13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

CHAPTER 4
THEY DON’T FOCUS ON THINGS THEY
CAN’T CONTROL
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can
decide not to be reduced by them.
—MAYA ANGELOU
James entered my therapy office because he was upset by his ongoing custody
battle. James had struggled with his ex-wife, Carmen, for custody of their seven-
year-old daughter for over three years. The judge had given primary custody to
Carmen, allowing James visitation on Wednesday evenings and weekends. James
was outraged by the judge’s decision, as he was certain he was the better parent.
James was convinced that Carmen was out to get him and destroy his
relationship with his daughter. He’d recently informed Carmen that he was
planning a whale-watching excursion for his daughter. When the trip neared,
however, his daughter informed him that her mother had taken her whale
watching the week prior. James was infuriated. He felt like Carmen was always
trying to upstage him or win their daughter’s favor by throwing her the biggest
birthday parties, buying her the most expensive Christmas gifts, and taking her

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on the most lavish vacations. James couldn’t afford to keep up with his ex-wife
financially nor did he want to compete with her lack of discipline. Carmen
allowed their daughter to stay up late, play outside alone, and eat as much junk
food as she wanted. He tried to talk to Carmen about his concerns many times,
but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in his opinion. James was pretty sure
Carmen just wanted him to look like the bad guy in the eyes of their daughter.
He also didn’t like the fact that his ex-wife was dating again because he
worried about the type of men their daughter would be exposed to. He even told
Carmen that he saw her boyfriend with another woman once, in the hopes that
they would break up. His plan backfired when she threatened to get a restraining
order against him if he didn’t leave her alone.
James initially came to therapy not because he wanted help dealing with his
emotions, but because he was looking for a legal ally. He wanted me to write a
letter to the court outlining the reasons why he should have full custody of his
daughter. When I explained that I couldn’t do that, he initially said he didn’t
think therapy could possibly be helpful. But, instead of leaving, he just kept
talking.
When I asked him how effective his previous attempts to change the judge’s
mind had been, he acknowledged that the judge was pretty clear that the custody
order was going to remain in place, whether he liked it or not. He also admitted
he hadn’t been able to convince Carmen to make any changes, despite his
intense efforts. By the end of the session, James actually agreed to come to
another appointment.
During his next appointment, we discussed how his attempts to control the
situation were negatively affecting his daughter. He recognized how his anger
toward his ex-wife interfered with his relationship with his little girl. We
discussed some strategies that could help him refocus some of his efforts on
improving his relationship with his daughter instead.
By the time James returned for his third and final session I knew he got it
when he said, “I should have focused on having fun with my daughter when we
went whale watching, rather than spending the entire trip texting angry
messages to her mother about how I didn’t appreciate her attempts to
overshadow me.” He also recognized that although he didn’t agree with some of
Carmen’s rules, dragging her back to court repeatedly wasn’t likely to help

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resolve the situation. Instead, he’d only be wasting more money that he could be
spending on their daughter. He decided that he should focus his energy on being
the best role model he could be for their daughter, so he could be a positive
influence in her life.