After (The After Series)

Oh. This is really happening.
I know I should be afraid or nervous, but all I feel is my love for him, and his
for me.
The anticipation of what is coming next fills me with wonder, and time seems
to slow down while I wait for him to return to the bed. I had always thought my
first time would be with Noah, on our wedding night. We would be in a huge bed
in some fancy bungalow on a tropical island. But here I am in my small dorm

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room, on my small bed with Hardin, and I would not change a single thing about
it.

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chapter seventy-eight
I
have only ever seen condoms in sex ed class, where they seemed so intimating.
But right here, right now, I just want to yank it out of Hardin’s hand and put it on
him as fast as I can. I am thankful that Hardin can’t hear my indecent thoughts,
even if his words are far dirtier than any thought I’ve ever had.
“Are . . .” His voice is low.
“If you ask if I am sure, I will kill you.”
He smiles and laughs, waving the condom between his thumb and forefinger.
“I was going to say, are you going to help me put this on, or should I do it?”
I bite my lip. “Oh. I want to . . . but you have to show me how,” I say,
realizing that learning about condoms in sex ed really didn’t prepare me for how
this moment feels, and I don’t want to mess this up.
“Okay.” He sits on the bed and I sit up cross-legged. Stretching out to me, he
kisses me swiftly on my forehead. When he tears the packet open, I hold my
hand out, but he just chuckles and shakes his head. “I’ll show you, this way.”
Taking my hand, he pulls out the little disk and uses our entwined hands to place
the condom above him. It feels slippery to the touch. “Now it goes down,” he
says, his cheeks flushed. As both of our hands slide the condom over his hard
skin, his eyes narrow and he grows a little larger.
“That wasn’t so bad for a virgin and a drunk,” I joke.
He raises an eyebrow at me and smiles. I am glad we are being playful and not
so intense; it makes me less nervous for what is about to happen.
“I’m not drunk, babe. I had a few drinks, but arguing with you sobered me up,

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as usual.” He flashes his dimples and runs his thumb across my bottom lip.
I’m relieved by his answer. It’s not like I want him passing out halfway
through or puking on me. I laugh a little at my thoughts and look at him again.
His eyes are clear, not glazed like they were an hour ago.
“Now what?” I say before I can stop myself.
He laughs, taking my hand and wrapping it around his length. “Eager?” he
teases and I nod. “Me too,” he admits, and I love the feel of his hard flesh in my
hand. Shifting his body, he hovers over me. With one knee he parts my legs,
spreading them wide, and I feel his fingers rub against me.
I wonder if he will be gentle with me . . . I hope so.
“You’re soaking wet, so that will make it easier.” He inhales. His lips meet
mine and he kisses me slowly, his tongue teasing mine. His lips seem to be
molded against mine, made just for me. Pulling back slightly, he kisses the
corners of my mouth, followed by my nose, and then my lips again. My hands
go to his back in a desperate attempt to pull him closer to me.
“Slow, baby, we need to go slow,” he whispers against my earlobe. “It’s going
to hurt at first, so just tell me if you want me to stop. I mean it, okay?” he says
gently and looks straight into my eyes, waiting for my answer.
“Okay.” I gulp. I have heard that losing your virginity hurts but it can’t be that
bad. I hope not, at least.
Hardin kisses me again. I feel the silky condom brush against me, causing me
to shudder. Seconds later he presses into me . . .
It’s such a foreign feeling . . . My eyes screw shut and I hear myself gasp.
“You okay?”
I nod and he moves farther into me. I wince at the pinching feeling deep
inside. It’s just as bad as everyone says—if not worse.
“Fuck,” Hardin groans. His body is still, unmoving, but it’s still incredibly
uncomfortable.
“Can I move?” His voice is so strained and raspy.
“Yeah,” I say. The pain continues, but Hardin kisses me all over, my lips, my
cheeks, my nose, my neck, and the tears forming at the corner of my eyes. I put
my focus on squeezing Hardin’s arms and feeling his warm tongue on my neck.
“Oh God,” he moans and rolls his head back. “I love you, I love you so much,
Tess.” He breathes against my cheek. The comfort of his voice mutes my pain
slightly, but it persists as his hips slowly roll against mine.
I want to tell him how much I love him, but I am afraid if I talk, I will cry.
“Do you . . . fuck . . . do you want me to stop?” he stutters. I can hear the
pleasure and worry battling in his voice.
I shake my head and watch him in amazement when his eyes close tightly

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again. His jaw is clenched in concentration; his hard muscles contract and pull
beneath his inked skin. The pain almost completely disappears as I watch him
coming undone. He brushes my cheekbone with his fingers and kisses me again
before burying his head in the crook of my neck. His breath is staggering, hot
and wild against my skin. Bringing his face to mine, he opens his eyes. I would
take the pain over and over to be able to feel this way, this deep-seated
connection to Hardin that takes me somewhere I never knew existed. The
emotion in his brilliant green eyes as he looks into mine unleashes the tears from
my eyes; it sends me reeling out into the oblivion and then tethers me back to
him. I love him and I know without a doubt he loves me. Even if we don’t last
forever, if we end up never speaking again, I will always know that in this
moment he was everything to me.
I can tell that it’s taking everything in him to control himself, to keep this slow
pace for me, and I love him all the more for it. Time slows and stops, speeds and
stops again as he moves in and out of me. The salty taste of sweat is on his lips
as he kisses me, and I want more. I kiss his neck and the spot under his ear that I
know drives him crazy.
He shivers and moans my name. “You’re doing so good, baby. I love you so
much.”
It doesn’t hurt anymore, but it is still uncomfortable, and there is a slight sting
each time he thrusts into me. My lips move to his neck and my hands tug at his
hair.
“I love you, Hardin,” I manage to say.
He moans and brings his swollen lips to mine. “Oh, baby, I am going to come.
Okay?” he says through clenched teeth.
I nod and kiss his neck again, sucking gently on his skin. Hardin’s eyes never
leave mine as he comes; promises of forever and unconditional love are made as
he tenses and gently falls onto me. I can feel the heavy thrumming of his heart
against my chest, and I kiss the top of his dampened hair. His chest stops
heaving and he lifts up, pulling out of me. I wince at the sudden emptiness as he
pulls the condom off and folds it over and places it on the floor atop the foil
wrapper.
“Are you okay? How was it? How do you feel?” His eyes search my face and
he looks more vulnerable than I thought possible.
“I’m okay,” I assure him. I press my thighs together to dull the ache. I can see
the blood on my sheets, but I don’t want to move.
He wipes his hair away from his forehead. “Was it . . . was it what you
expected?”
“It was better,” I answer honestly. Even with the pain, the whole experience

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was exquisite. I find myself already fantasizing about the next time.
“Really?” He grins. I nod and he leans closer, pressing his forehead to mine.
“How was it for you? It will be better once I have more . . . experience,” I tell
him.
His grin fades and he presses his fingers under my chin, tilting my head to
make me look at him. “Don’t say that; it was great, baby. It was better than great,
it was . . . the best,” he says and I roll my eyes. I am sure he has been with far
better girls who actually know what to do and when to do it.
Answering my thoughts, he says, “I didn’t love them. It is a completely
different experience when you love the person. Honestly, Tessa. It’s
incomparable. Please don’t doubt yourself or degrade what we just did.” His
voice is so soft and sincere, I feel my heart swell and I kiss the bridge of his
nose.
He smiles and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to his chest. He
smells so good; even sweaty Hardin is my favorite scent.
“Does it hurt?” He runs his fingers through my hair and twirls a piece over his
index finger.
“Sort of.” I laugh. “I’m afraid to stand up.”
He squeezes me tighter and kisses my shoulder. “I’ve never been with a virgin
before,” he says quietly.
I look up at him and his eyes are soft, not mocking in the least. “Oh.” My
mind produces a hundred questions about his first time. The when, where, who,
and why. But I push those thoughts away—he didn’t love her. He has never
loved anyone but me. I don’t care about the women in his past anymore. They
are just that: his past. I only care about this beautiful, flawed man who just made
love for the first time in his life.

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chapter seventy-nine
A
n hour later, Hardin asks, “Are you ready to get up?”
“I know I should, I just don’t want to,” I tell him and rub my cheek against his
chest.
“I don’t want to rush you, but I really have to piss,” he tells me and I laugh,
climbing off him and the bed.
“Ow . . .” I say before I can stop myself.
“You okay?” he asks for the thousandth time. His hand reaches out to help
steady me.
“Yeah, just sore.” I cringe when I look at my sheets.
He looks over at them. “Yeah, I’ll toss them.” He pulls the sheets off the small
bed.
“Not in here. Steph will see them.”
“Okay? So where?” He bounces up and down on his heels. He must have been
holding his bladder for a while.
“I don’t know . . . can you put them in a Dumpster or something when you
leave?”
“Who said I was leaving? So, what—you sleep with me and then kick me
out?” His eyes dance with amusement. He grabs his jeans and boxers off the
floor and puts them on. I grab his shirt and hold it out to him.
I smack him on the butt. “Just go pee, and take the sheets out on your way,
just in case.” I don’t know why I care so much, but the last thing I need is Steph
drilling me for information about losing my virginity.

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“Sure. I won’t look like a creep or anything, carrying bloody sheets to my car
at night.”
I scowl at him and he balls the sheets up and walks to the door. “I love you,”
he says before walking out.
Now that he has left the room I have a little time to collect myself. I wonder if
I look as good as I feel, which is warm and oddly at peace. The memory of
Hardin hovering over me while he entered me makes my stomach clench. Now I
know why people make such a big deal about sex. I really have been missing
out, but I know that if my first time wouldn’t have been with Hardin, it wouldn’t
have been so amazing. When I look in the mirror, my mouth falls open at my
reflection. My cheeks are glowing, my lips are swollen. I squish my cheeks and
move my hands around; somehow I look different. It’s the slightest of changes,
and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I like it. I take a second to admire the
small red marks dotted across my breasts. I don’t even remember him making
them. My mind takes me back to him making love to me, his mouth hot and wet
against my flesh. I am snapped from my thoughts by the door opening, causing
me to jump slightly.
“Admiring yourself?” Hardin smirks and locks the door.
“No . . . I . . .” I don’t know what to say, since I’m just standing in front of the
mirror completely naked, fantasizing about his lips on my skin.
“It’s cool, babe, if I had your body I would stare at myself in the mirror, too,”
he says and I flush.
“I think I’m going to take a shower,” I tell him while trying my best to cover
myself with my hands. I don’t want to wash his scent off my body, but I need to
wash everything else off.
“I’ll take one, too,” he says. I raise an eyebrow at him and he holds up his
hands mockingly. “Not together, I know. However . . . if we lived together we
could.”
Something has changed in him, too, I can see it. It’s the way his smile is a
little deeper and his eyes brighter. I don’t reckon that anyone else would be able
to spot it, but I know him better than anyone, despite the many secrets of his that
I plan to uncover.
“What?” He cocks his head to the side.
“Nothing, I just love you,” I tell him and his cheeks redden slightly and his
face splits into a grin, mirroring mine. We both seem to be giddy and high on
each other. I love this. When I move to grab my robe, he steps in front of me.
“Have you at least thought about living with me?” he asks.
“You just asked me yesterday. I can only make one life-altering decision at a
time.” I laugh.

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He rubs his temples. “I just want to sign the paperwork soon. I have got to get
out of that damned frat house.”
“You could just get it on your own?” I suggest again.
“I want it to be ours.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to spend as much time with you as I can. Why are you so
hesitant? Is it the money? I would pay everything, of course.”
“No you wouldn’t,” I scoff. “If I was to agree to this, I would contribute—I’m
not looking for a free ride.” I can’t believe we are actually discussing this.
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know . . . we haven’t known each other that long. I had always
thought I wouldn’t live with anyone else until I was married . . .” I explain.
That’s not the only reason; my mother is a huge reason, along with the fear of
having to rely on someone else. Even Hardin. That’s what my mother did. She
relied on my father’s income until he left, and after that she leaned on the slim
possibility of his return. She always expected him to come back for us, but he
never did.
“Married? That’s an ancient idea you have there, Tessa.” He chuckles and sits
down in the chair.
“What’s wrong with marriage?” I ask. “Not between us. Just in general,” I
add.
He shrugs. “Nothing wrong with it, it’s just not for me.”
This has taken too serious a turn. I don’t want to discuss marriage with
Hardin, but it does bother me that he says marriage isn’t for him. I haven’t ever
thought about actually marrying him, it’s way too early for that. Years too early.
But I would like the option eventually, and want to be married by the time I’m
twenty-five and then have at least two children. I have my whole future planned.