Body paragraph of Teacher

Body paragraph of Teacher:
I believe that the excessive usage of smartphones pose some serious problems on childrens health. Firstly, spending long hours on the phones children develop a sedentary lifestyle which in turn leads children to be obese which consequently might bring serious health problems in children such as diabetes and even cancer. Moreover, staring at the screen might negatively effect on childrens eyesight and when it is done repeatedly for a long time it might even lead to a loss of eyesight. The effects of excessive phone usage on childrens health are dangerous.


My body paragraph : I strongly believe that the excessive usage of smartphones can cause serious health problems. Firstly, children who spend most of their time on smartphones become more obsessed to them and tend to have sedentary lifestyle. As a result, several health problems such as blood pressure and heart disease might occur with those who have inactive lifestyle. Secondly, using smartphones during long hours without breaks may damage seriously the eyesight of youngsters and may even lead to poor vision. So, overusing of smartphones might negatively impact health level of children.


Task response. In teachers essay, there is one main idea “pose some serious problems on childrens health” and all of other ideas (sedentary lifestyle – diabetes and even cancer, a loss of eyesight) logically connected to this one. Ideas are not being made same point over and over again. They are fully developed throughout (not one weak and others overdeveloped).
And in my essay I should use the word “Children” in order to make more clear. (can cause serious health problems – to whom?) And it needs to clarification with connecting first idea and its explanation.(It is a bit unclear and disordered)


Coherence and cohesion. Plenty number of linking and reference word is used and accurate ( help to follow easily, used appropriately ).


Conclusion.
Teacher’s version: In conclusion, children's addiction to smartphones is due to lack of parental control and attractiveness of phone activities and I believe that the health problems that excessive usage of phones migh pose on children should not be overlooked.
My version: In conclusion, lack of control of parents and attractiveness of smartphones are some factors that lead to children's addiction and I strongly believe that the consequences of excessive usage of phones might be dangerous to children's health.


Conclusion should include information that given in main bodies. It just show the position of writer again. In addition , we cannot add new idea in this part.