Child Parenting European style

Child Parenting European style

European parents have historically been relaxed when it comes to raising their children,

but today more and more are adopting the kind of intensive parenting style common in

the US.

Once, in a restaurant in The Hague, a woman complimented me on my son, who was

then three months old. “What a lovely boy,” she said. “He seems so alert. He must be

very intelligent.” I was flattered, of course. It’s nice to hear that your child might just be

the next Einstein. But later it occurred to me that the woman’s comment was indicative

of the way parenting is changing in Europe. 

It’s generally acknowledged that raising a child has geographic variations. In 2009, for

example, a study by an international group of academics looked at the way parents in

different countries talked about the traits they wanted their children to have. The

differences were fascinating. Dutch parents, for example, focused on the Three

Rs: rust, reinheid and regelmaat (rest, cleanliness and routine). Italian parents preferred

their children to be even-tempered, well-balanced and “simpatico”. American parents,

meanwhile, were more likely to want their child to be “intelligent” or “cognitively

advanced”.

The US preference represents the shift that has taken place in the way American

parents raise their children; the transition from the so-called latchkey kids (o’z holicha qolgan) of the 1980s

to the helicoptered (hamma narsada ota-onasiga yordam beradigan) and hot-housed nimjon (pay-pastlab, avaylab)  children of today. Parenting in European nations has

traditionally been more relaxed, yet things are changing here too; more parents are

adopting the kind of intensive parenting style common in the US.

Part of it may be down to fears of growing inequality, but the proliferation of expert

advice may also be a factor. So where the US leads, will Europe follow? Is intensive

parenting here to stay?

“Intensive parenting is a type of parenting that requires a significant amount of time and

money,” says Patrick Ishizuka, a sociology professor at Cornell University who studies

intensive parenting. It includes scheduling children for multiple extracurricular activities,

as well as advocating for their needs and talents in communications with schools and

other institutions. And it’s not limited to a small subset of parents. “I would describe it as

the dominant cultural model of parenting in the US right now,” says Ishizuka.

But it’s not just the US. Parents in developed nations across the globe are spending

more time on their children, according to a 2016 study by US and Italian academics. By

studying parents in 11 rich countries and comparing findings to data from 1965, they

found that mothers spent an hour more on average per day on parenting, while fathers’

time with their children had risen from just 16 minutes to 59 minutes in 2012 (the only

country to buck the trend was France). This rise was true for parents from all social

backgrounds, though more educated parents devoted more time to childcare. One of

the report’s authors said time spent with children was “regarded as critical for positive

cognitive, behavioural and academic outcomes". These beliefs have taken hold among

the best-educated residents of Western countries and are also diffusing to their

counterparts who have less schooling.

I live in the Netherlands, a country that has historically been known for its relaxed

approach to raising children, as described in the book The Happiest Kids in the World.

Dutch parents give their children a lot of freedom; cooperation and team work matter

more than educational achievement. Yet some changes are taking place; it’s certainly

true that children’s time is increasingly scheduled. A time-pressed midwife recently told

me she felt everything she did with her children had “to be amazing”, while a ballet

teacher was surprised when my daughter swapped ballet for swimming, instead of

cramming another class in. A recent government-backed study found that while young

people remained happy, they were feeling far more academic pressure.

This trend of change is also visible in other parts of Europe. In the past, parents’ role

would be to ensure that their children are physically well, that they are developing well

in mental ways, and the learning part, the educational part would be the main task for

schools. But parents now are more involved with their children’s learning and try to

interact with teachers more.

The rise in inequality, including in Europe, makes parents feel they need to help drive

their children’s education. If inequality is very high, that means from the parents’

perspective, it’s becoming very important for the kids not to be left behind. And so

parents will assume a parenting style that is more intense and that is more success-

oriented.

Yet intensive parenting is taking root in societies that are known for generous welfare

systems aimed at reducing inequality, too. A 2016 study from Sweden found that most

parents believed extracurricular activities would help children develop useful skills and

that facilitating this was part of the parenting ideal. Though there were exceptions and

variations, middle and working-class parents shared some similar views. “This overlap

indicates that concerted cultivation [an intensive parenting approach] is a parenting style

that influences the overall parenting culture in Sweden,” the study read. Iceland, another

nation with relatively low inequality, is experiencing an increase in attachment

parenting practices such as extended breastfeeding or babywearing,

These studies suggest that economic inequality is only part of the puzzle.  

In her 2003 book Unequal Childhoods, sociologist Annette Lareau found that parenting

and social class were intimately intertwined. Middle-class parents engaged in a more

intensive parenting style, while their lower-income counterparts had a more hands-off

approach. But that distinction may be blurring, with intensive parenting being adopted in

different groups where it wasn’t even happening before.

The Swedish study which found some shared attitudes towards extracurricular activities

across class boundaries suggested preschools played a role in shaping parenting

perspectives, including intensive parenting practices. “Swedish children spend most of

their weekdays in childcare. Both parents and children are thus exposed to parental and

childhood ideals communicated by highly educated preschool teachers. Some working-

class parents may enroll children in extra activities because to avoid being seen as

irresponsible parents.

Other experts point to the sheer volume of parenting books, blog posts and articles now

available to those raising families. “When you look at longstanding advice books, like

What to Expect When You’re Expecting, they become longer and longer over time,

which suggests that yes, parenting advice is proliferating,” says Linda Quirke. She

believes that even if parents are sceptical of expert advice, they are still influenced by it.

“They look at the advice and say, ‘oh, that’s what people are doing’. So it’s important to

see the advice given as part of the context within which parents are raising their kids.”  

One indicator of change in European parenting methods is linguistic. In my native

Polish, the word ‘rodzicielstwo’ (from ‘rodzic’, parent) is increasingly used instead of the

more traditional ‘wychowanie dzieci’, which is the equivalent of ‘raising children’.

German parents used to call what they were doing ‘Kindererziehung’ (raising children),

but now that’s being replaced by some with the word ‘Elternhandeln’, which means

'parental action'.

“If you implement a broader notion of parenting… trying to turn them into well-rounded,

complete and successful personalities, then ‘Erziehung’ is not enough,” says De Moll.

The intensification of parenting has consequences for nations, parents and children.

One of the problems is that it increases economic inequality. In the 1960s, for

example, when there was less emphasis on developing children’s talents and

interests, parents across social classes spent similar amounts of time and money on

their kids. It can also take a toll on parents, especially on mothers who still bear the

brunt of childcare-related work. The more intensive the parenting style, the more

depressed and anxious the mother.

Yet many parents believe that it’s their duty. Last year, Ishizuka examined attitudes

about parental norms across social classes in the US. His study found that parents

expressed “remarkably similar support for intensive mothering and fathering across a

range of situations”. When given a child-rearing scenario, study participants viewed

mothers and fathers as ideal if they took the intensive parenting option and marked

them down when they didn’t.

Yet Europeans should probably be more relaxed about their parenting styles. There is

no need to be afraid that one's child could be left behind unless your family is already

put at risk by harsh socioeconomic circumstances. And perhaps the parenting

pendulum will swing back in the future, if the way stressed-out American parents are

consuming books on Dutch, German and French parenting styles is anything to go by.