Jennie Gerhardt

 
 
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CHAPTER XXXV 
In the meantime Jennie had been going through a moral crisis of her own. 
For the first time in her life, aside from the family attitude, which had 
afflicted her greatly, she realized what the world thought of her. She was 
bad—she knew that. She had yielded on two occasions to the force of 
circumstances which might have been fought out differently. If only she had 
had more courage! If she did not always have this haunting sense of fear! If 
she could only make up her mind to do the right thing! Lester would never 
marry her. Why should he? She loved him, but she could leave him, and it 
would be better for him. Probably her father would live with her if she went 
back to Cleveland. He would honor her for at last taking a decent stand. Yet 
the thought of leaving Lester was a terrible one to her—he had been so good. 
As for her father, she was not sure whether he would receive her or not. 
After the tragic visit of Louise she began to think of saving a little money, 
laying it aside as best she could from her allowance. Lester was generous 
and she had been able to send home regularly fifteen dollars a week to 
maintain the family—as much as they had lived on before, without any help 
from the outside. She spent twenty dollars to maintain the table, for Lester 
required the best of everything—fruits, meats, desserts, liquors, and what 
not. The rent was fifty-five dollars, with clothes and extras a varying sum. 
Lester gave her fifty dollars a week, but somehow it had all gone. She 
thought how she might economize but this seemed wrong. 
Better go without taking anything, if she were going, was the thought that 
came to her. It was the only decent thing to do. 
She thought over this week after week, after the advent of Louise, trying to 
nerve herself to the point where she could speak or act. Lester was 
consistently generous and kind, but she felt at times that he himself might 
wish it. He was thoughtful, abstracted. Since the scene with Louise it 
seemed to her that he had been a little different. If she could only say to him 
that she was not satisfied with the way she was living, and then leave. But 
he himself had plainly indicated after his discovery of Vesta that her feelings 
on that score could not matter so very much to him, since he thought the 
presence of the child would definitely interfere with his ever marrying her. It 
was her presence he wanted on another basis. And he was so forceful, she 
could not argue with him very well. She decided if she went it would be best 
to write a letter and tell him why. Then maybe when he knew how she felt he 
would forgive her and think nothing more about it. 
The condition of the Gerhardt family was not improving. Since Jennie had 
left Martha had married. After several years of teaching in the public schools 
of Cleveland she had met a young architect, and they were united after a 
short engagement. Martha had been always a little ashamed of her family, 
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and now, when this new life dawned, she was anxious to keep the 
connection as slight as possible. She barely notified the members of the 
family of the approaching marriage—Jennie not at all—and to the actual 
ceremony she invited only Bass and George. Gerhardt, Veronica, and 
William resented the slight. Gerhardt ventured upon no comment. He had 
had too many rebuffs. But Veronica was angry. She hoped that life would 
give her an opportunity to pay her sister off. William, of course, did not mind