George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

into the pantry].
MRS HUSHABYE 
[going past Mangan to the gentleman and
scrutinizing him]. I don’t believe you are Hastings Utterword.
THE GENTLEMAN
. I am not.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Then what business had you to kiss me?
THE GENTLEMAN
. I thought I would like to. The fact is,

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63
GB Shaw
I am Randall Utterword, the unworthy younger brother of
Hastings. I was abroad diplomatizing when he was married.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[dashing in]. Hesione, where is the
key of the wardrobe in my room? My diamonds are in my
dressing-bag: I must lock it up—[recognizing the stranger with
a shock] Randall, how dare you? [She marches at him past Mrs
Hushabye, who retreats and joins Mangan near the sofa].
RANDALL
. How dare I what? I am not doing anything.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Who told you I was here?
RANDALL
. Hastings. You had just left when I called on
you at Claridge’s; so I followed you down here. You are look-
ing extremely well.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Don’t presume to tell me so.
MRS HUSHABYE
. What is wrong with Mr Randall, Addy?
LADY UTTERWORD 
[recollecting herself]. Oh, nothing.
But he has no right to come bothering you and papa with-
out being invited [she goes to the window-seat and sits down,
turning away from them ill-humoredly and looking into the
garden, where Hector and Ellie are now seen strolling together].
MRS HUSHABYE
. I think you have not met Mr Mangan,
Addy.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[turning her head and nodding coldly
to Mangan]. I beg your pardon. Randall, you have flustered
me so: I make a perfect fool of myself.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Lady Utterword. My sister. My younger
sister.
MANGAN 
[bowing]. Pleased to meet you, Lady Utterword.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[with marked interest]. Who is that
gentleman walking in the garden with Miss Dunn?
MRS HUSHABYE
. I don’t know. She quarrelled mortally
with my husband only ten minutes ago; and I didn’t know
anyone else had come. It must be a visitor. [She goes to the
window to look]. Oh, it is Hector. They’ve made it up.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Your husband! That handsome
man?
MRS HUSHABYE
. Well, why shouldn’t my husband be a
handsome man?
RANDALL 
[joining them at the window]. One’s husband

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64
Heartbreak House
never is, Ariadne [he sits by Lady Utterword, on her right].
MRS HUSHABYE
. One’s sister’s husband always is, Mr
Randall.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Don’t be vulgar, Randall. And you,
Hesione, are just as bad.
Ellie and Hector come in from the garden by the starboard door.
Randall rises. Ellie retires into the corner near the pantry. Hec-
tor comes forward; and Lady Utterword rises looking her very
best.
MRS. HUSHABYE
. Hector, this is Addy.
HECTOR 
[apparently surprised]. Not this lady.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[smiling]. Why not?
HECTOR 
[looking at her with a piercing glance of deep but
respectful admiration, his moustache bristling]. I thought—
[pulling himself together]. I beg your pardon, Lady Utterword.
I am extremely glad to welcome you at last under our roof
[he offers his hand with grave courtesy].
MRS HUSHABYE
. She wants to be kissed, Hector.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Hesione! [But she still smiles].
MRS HUSHABYE
. Call her Addy; and kiss her like a good
brother-in-law; and have done with it. [She leaves them to