John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don't try to listen when you 
can't. 
 
2. Understand Her Pain 
Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain 
is valid. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned 
when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for 
wanting to be close. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust. She can be more 
trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt. 
 
3. Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance 
By understanding her hurt you won't make her wrong for being upset and in pain. Although 
you can't give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. 
Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she 
deserves. 
 
What He Can Say Instead of Arguing 
 
There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was their anything 
wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have 
told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now I really need to watch 
TV and relax. When I feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as 
an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making 
her hurt feelings wrong. 
 
She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual 
loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he 
doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting his