to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more
vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in
the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of her
imagines that she will not be supported.
Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she
needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfil her needs, and then
he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her
valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that
she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed,
but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in
truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing
that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the
difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one
that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately
needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them
feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is
especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then
be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being
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