Love from a to Z

MARVEL:
ADAM
I can’t believe I wrote that.
Why was he even? A marvel?
I mean, I realize that before I even knew him as Adam, I’d called him a
marvel, at the airport in London, just because he was cute.
But at this point in time, I think I mean it in a different way.
Because he’s calm. Peaceful.
Mellow. Like everything I’m trying to be here.
That’s why he’s a marvel. Not just because he’s good-looking.
Anyway, why wasn’t he texting me again?

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It felt as if a few words from him arrived on my phone, like Hey, do you
want to go to blah blah tomorrow?, this down-in-the-depths feeling I had at
the moment would just disappear.
But then I remembered his mouth after his dad dropped me off today. The
way it was that straight line, like he was done.
Right.
Adam had probably realized I was faking it at the saluki shelter. He’d
found out about my phoniness and was over wanting to get to know me.
Well, if he even wanted to get to know me in the first place.
I stared at the ceiling. And sat up suddenly.
I couldn’t believe it. I was letting myself be what I’d never ever wanted
to be: at the mercy of a guy’s whims.
No way.
• • •
Dinner was Turkish food. We ate quietly on the couch, watching some
house-hunting reality show on TV, Auntie Nandy engrossed, me scrolling
through my phone.
Adam posted an Instagram story.
His waterfront with boats, sea, and sky.
I didn’t have to be at his whims, but I could decide whether I wanted to
say something to him.
Thanks for today.
I added a puppy emoji.
• • •
As of 1:42 a.m. he hadn’t replied.
And, huddled in Binky, I noticed my message continued to be unread.
At Fajr, five a.m., still unread, but he posted another story. Another
seascape, a dark one this time.
The twinge was disappearing, being replaced by further dread.

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