Love from a to Z

ODDITY:
JEALOUSY, THE TINY KIND
Exhibit A: Kavi doing stuff with Noemi.
I lay in bed, and it wouldn’t leave me. That feeling of fear mixed with
sadness.
I should have known they were getting tight when Noemi had shown up
in our—Kavi’s and my—Situation Room at the library.
When I get back home after this Doha trip, they’ll have even more stories
—not just on Instagram—between them, more stuff I wasn’t a part of, and
maybe more stuff I won’t understand. An image of them laughing together,
while I stood by, flashed in my head.
Like the inside art joke about Noemi’s locker.
I didn’t get it.
I didn’t like it.
• • •
I don’t like that other thing either, but it isn’t in any sense close to what I’m
feeling about Kavi and Noemi—of course and completely.
In fact, if I think about it, it’s the exact opposite of Kavi and Noemi.
Noemi is the one infringing on me and Kavi.
But in the second case, I’m the interloper.
I’m the one who thought of the possibility of us two when there was
already a pair there.
Adam and Emma Phillips.
• • •
Wow.

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I need to retreat all the way to the old me. The one who doesn’t get so hot
and bothered by stupid stuff like this.
I’m someone who gets consumed by stuff. It engulfs me, wraps me up in
its embrace, and doesn’t let me be until I’ve deal with it.
I sat up in bed.
I don’t like getting consumed by things like jealousy and . . . lust.
Yet I want to get consumed. Because I like winning. I like things getting
dealt with.
Like the high I got when Auntie Nandy took on Marc and won.
Maybe I need something to take on all the time. That I can actually win.
That’s actually good to win. Because it isn’t just for me.
“Winning” Adam, or even Kavi, isn’t going to make the world a better
place. And it involves their feelings.
Yeah, let people be however they want to be, Zayneb. Your high can come
from something else.
I smiled. Today was supposed to be for victories, and this was another
one.
I’m going to be me.
I’m not going to back down from Fencer. I’m going to out him myself.
Kavi and Noemi can do all they want over there. Find information, help
Ayaan, become friends, fall more for each other, whatever.
I have everything I need right here in Doha: @StoneWraith14.
And the ability to investigate online deep into the night.

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