Or have no job] are also spending less quality time with their children
Download 423.39 Kb. Pdf ko'rish
|
essay correction 1
Some parents spend very little free time with their children. Why is it the case? Who is more affected; children or parents? Nowadays, it is becoming more common to see people allocating less time to their offspring than ever before. While ever- increasing job competition cause this issue, I believe that it has equal effects on both parents and children. WEAK POINTS: This introduction is skillfully written and expected to meet a high-score requirements based on the Marking criteria [band 7.0/7.5], but there is room for improvement. In terms of the first sentence, when you are supposed to introduce a topic, a trend in particular, it is much better to use “present perfect simple” or “present perfect continuous”, both of which are useful structures to demonstrate accuracy and range at the same time. When it comes to the second sentence, you are presenting only one reason for this global trend, which is a serious mistake to take into consideration. This is because only one factor cannot give rise to a global issue or trend. For instance, “increasing job competition” cannot be a valid reason why rich people [who do not work overtime or have no job] are also spending less quality time with their children. BAND 8.0/8.5 VERSION: In the initial sentence, I am using “present perfect” to present a trend [which starts in the past and is seen to be continuing] in place of a simple present structure, as well as writing “especially in urban communities” to show that I have fully understood the topic. In the second sentence, I am adding another sound reason [social displacement-the increased amount of time spent on social media and the reduced amount of time spent on face-to-face communication, especially with close friends and family members], thereby making sure that I am fully addressing the task rather than just addressing all parts of the task. The lack of parent-child interaction is caused by a combination of several factors. First, with the increased unemployment rates and the effective use of artificial intelligence in business processes, it has been extremely difficult for people to obtain employment opportunities. As a result of this competition, people are required to work overtime and show high productivity; if they refuse, they can easily be replaced by new candidates. Therefore, adults are prioritizing their professional careers over parental responsibilities, thus finding it difficult to spend enough free time with their children. WEAK POINTS: Although this paragraph is logically organised and main ideas are explained and extended when necessary, there are several pernicious features associated with TASK RESPONSE AND COHERENCE AND COHESION. In the first sentence, it is not wise to say “a combination of several factors” considering the fact that you have given only one factor in your introductory paragraph. Though you are effectively employing our “domino effect” method, you are missing out on other essential approaches like “Multiple perspectives” and “Contrastive approach”, thus just extending ideas as opposed to presenting and explaining them precisely in the first place. What’s more, while working to gain an 8.0 or 8.5, it is important to link ideas imperceptibly [unnoticeably] without over-reliance on such cohesive devices as “AS A RESULT” AND “THEREFORE”. The lack of parent-child interaction has arisen from various factors, one of which is increased competition for employment. As artificial intelligence has been incorporated into business processes, international demand for labour force has shrunk worldwide, and job seekers are now required to compete with robot employees. Therefore, many people today work overtime to achieve optimal productivity and dominate AI technology, but fail to allocate quality time to their children. Even if some people do not work under pressure, social media is preventing them from engaging in parent-child bonding activities. More specifically, many adults spend hours every day glued to the Internet and social media platforms like YouTube and Instagram as opposed to taking care of their children socially and emotionally, not just financially. Clearly, minors should be treated more properly. Unfortunately, the lack of parent-child interaction can equally affect both parents and children. From a parent’s perspective, adults who spend more time in the workplace fail to establish healthy relationships with their children. This, in turn, can make it impossible to find satisfaction and contentment in life, despite high job prospects and career progression. Apart from reducing parents’ general quality of life, this situation may also engender various problems for children. Without achieving and maintaining healthy relationships with their parents, children may fall victim to peer pressure. Consequently, they might start skipping school lessons and playing truant, thereby showing poor academic performance. This, in turn, can cause them to turn to drugs and criminal activities. The less time is spent on children, the higher the crime rate may become. WEAK POINTS: In the topic sentence, rather than repeating the phrase “lack of parent-child interaction”, it is possible to reference “this issue/this trend”. In the second sentence, there is over-generalisation that may hold you back from achieving higher than 7.0 in Task Response. In the third sentence, lexical mistakes occur, as you are using alternatives and synonyms side by side [high job prospects and career progression, satisfaction and contentment]. Also, you are writing “Without achieving and maintaining healthy relationships with their parents” in place of “without interacting with their parents in their spare time”, which is really problematic if you want an 8.0 or higher. Even worse, towards the end of your paragraph, you are just throwing away multiple ideas without properly sequencing and supporting them with detailed explanations. Body conclusion is not well-written too. BAND 8.0/8.5 VERSION: This development, in my opinion, has equally adverse effects on parents and children alike. From a parent ’ s perspective, people who miss out on essential interactions with their kids might find it difficult to feel satisfied in life, regardless of massive professional success. They are even likely to experience feelings of loneliness and regret, especially when they get retired and have no healthy relationships with their family members. Apart from reducing parents ’ general quality of life, this issue can also engender serious problems for the children involved. If teenagers do not receive sufficient parental care and attention, they might easily be infuenced by their peers and criminal groups, thus taking up such unhealthy habits as smoking, gambling, and using drugs. The longer adults continue to spend very little leisure time on their children, the wider range of repercussions they and their offspring will suffer. In conclusion, I think that the lack of interaction between parents and their children has resulted from an ever-competitive job market. It also seems that this issue can engender problems for adults and minors alike. [290] WEAK POINTS: In the final paragraph, you ought to mention your main ideas briefly instead of just saying “engender problems for adults and minors alike”. BAND 8.0/8,5 VERSION: In conclusion, it seems to me that the lack of interaction between parents and children, which has resulted from a hyper-competitive job market and increased exposure to social media, might deprive adults of personal satisfaction and ruin children ’ s development. TASK RESPONSE: 7.0 COHERENCE AND COHESION: 7.0 LEXICAL RESOURCE: 8.0 GRAMMAR RANGE AND ACCURACY: 8.0 TASK RESPONSE: 1] Addressing all parts of the task, but not sufficiently because you have given only a single reason for a global trend. 2] There is tendency for over-generalisation [especially in the second sentence of the thrid paragraph]. 3] Supporting ideas sometimes lack focus [because you are paying more attention to extension rather than explanation. COHERENCE AND COHESION: 1] Not sequencing information and ideas, as you are usually focusing on the structure as opposed to the meaning and local progression. 2] Some over-use of cohesive devices [linking words], particularly in the first body paragraph. LEXICAL RESOURCE: 1] Use a wide range of vocabulary to convey precise and flexible meanings. 2] Skillfully uses uncommon lexical items, even though there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. GRAMMAR RANGE AND ACCURACY: 1] Use a wide range of structures [simple, compound, and complex structures]. 2] The majority of sentences are error-free. 3] Occasional errors and inappropriacies. Download 423.39 Kb. Do'stlaringiz bilan baham: |
Ma'lumotlar bazasi mualliflik huquqi bilan himoyalangan ©fayllar.org 2024
ma'muriyatiga murojaat qiling
ma'muriyatiga murojaat qiling