Permanent Record

6.19.2013–6.20.2013
While the rest of the country is coming to grips with the fact that their
privacy is being violated, mine’s being stripped from me on a whole new
level. Both things thanks to Ed. I hate sending Chuck “departure
updates,” and then I hate myself that I don’t have the nerve not to send
them. The worst was this one night sending a “departure update” that
I’m leaving to meet Sandra and then getting lost on the way but not
wanting to stop and ask the agents following me for help, so I was just
leading them around in circles. I got to thinking maybe they’d bugged
Eileen’s car, so I began talking aloud in the car, thinking maybe they
could hear me. I wasn’t talking, I was cursing them out. I had to pay
Jerry, and after I did all I could think about was all the tax money being
wasted on just following me to my lawyer’s office and the gym. After
the first two days of meetings I’d already run out of the only decent
clothes I had, so I went to Macy’s. Agents followed me around the
women’s department. I wondered if they’d come into the fitting room,
too, and tell me that looks good, that doesn’t, green’s not your color. At
the fitting room’s entrance was a TV blaring the news and I froze when
the announcer said “Edward Snowden’s girlfriend.” I fled the stall, and
stood in front of the screen. Watching as my photos flicked by. I
whipped out my phone and made the mistake of Googling myself. So
many comments labeling me a stripper or whore. None of this is me.
Just like the feds, they had already decided who I was.
6.22.2013–6.24.2013
Interrogations over, for now. But a tail still following. I left the house,
happy to get back in the air at this local aerial silks studio. Made it to the
studio and couldn’t find street parking, but my tail did. He had to leave
his spot when I drove out of range, so I doubled back and stole his spot.
Had a phone call with Wendy, where we both said that however badly
Ed hurt us, he did the right thing by trying to ensure that when he was
gone, Wendy and I were together. That’s why he’d invited her and been
so insistent about her coming. He’d wanted us to be together in Hawaii

---

when he went public, so that we could keep each other company and
give each other strength and comfort. It’s so hard to be angry at someone
you love. And even harder to be angry at someone you love and respect
for doing the right thing. Wendy and I were both in tears and then we
both went quiet. I think we had the same thought, at the same time. How
can we talk like normal people when they’re eavesdropping on all our
calls?