Shepherding a Child's Heart

Authority Vs. Influence
One of the foundational elements of shepherding is influence.
Recall this figure from Chapter 10:
Authority in this chart denotes what may be accomplished with
your child because you are stronger, faster, larger, and so forth.
Influence represents the willingness of your child to place himself
under your authority because he trusts you. Your role as an influence
is one of helping him to know his needs and be honest with himself.
For example, your teenage child is impossible to live with. She is
always snapping at everyone in her way. If you are trying to wield
authority, you may lay down the law. “I don’t ever want to hear that
again … you are grounded for the month … you can’t talk on the
phone … I won’t have that around my house!”
By contrast, if you are seeking to influence, you will move toward
her with the gentle reproofs of life. “I see you are having a problem
with being a pleasant person. I love you and I want to help you learn
to speak in ways that are constructive.”
The one approach increases the sense of alienation and drives the
teen toward associations that may be harmful. The other approach

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moves toward the child in love and gentle rebuke. It embraces and
accepts. It urges the child to accept correction as a wise person. It
doesn’t make the child feel like a fool. Personal indignities must not
be the condition upon which we rebuke our children.
As a parent seeking to shepherd, you want to influence your child
to respond to things that are reasonable, drawn from insight into
human character based on Scripture. You are seeking to influence and
provide counsel. You can accomplish nothing of lasting value simply
by being an authority. You must seek to counsel and influence.
My 16-year-old son came in late one afternoon. It had been a day
off from school because of a heavy snowfall.
Son: “Dad, can I go sledding for a couple of hours with the
neighbors?”
Father: “Well, son, you have been gone for several hours and
there is a project in your room that you need to complete.”
Son: “I thought I would do that later. I can do that in the dark,
but I can’t sled in the dark.”
Father: “I am concerned about something. I see this project in
your room as something that you began to do several weeks
ago and have not completed. That concerns me, because I
think you leave projects incomplete more often that you
should. You have a great attitude toward anything your
Mother or I ask you to do, but the long-term tasks that
require you to pace yourself through them seem to be hard
for you to do.”
Son: “I’m too busy. By the time I get done with school and
wrestling practice, there isn’t time to get to it.”
Father: “Well, I know you are busy, but today is a free day and
you didn’t get to it. I don’t think that is good for you. I
would like to see you overcome your aversion to long-term
tasks. I’m just concerned about you, son.”
Son: “I can accept what you are saying, Dad, but I think I could

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go sledding and still get that work done.”
Father: “Okay, son. You know what you need to do.”
I noticed a few minutes later that Aaron was still at home. “Aren’t
you going sledding?” I inquired.
“Yes, but I decided to do this work first.”
That’s all there was to it. No yelling, no threats, no hurtful talk.
Why did he decide to stay? He thought that I had a valid point, so he
stayed to follow through on our talk. He was willing to be influenced
by me.
I am convinced that there are few times when a parent must
demand that teens do or don’t do something. In the cases where every
day is made up of demanding and requiring, parents have not
practiced biblical principles. The son or daughter who is expected to
respond to demands and requirements is probably circumventing
them and doing what he or she desires anyhow.