Shepherding a Child's Heart

Family Conflict Resolution

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Anyone who does marriage counseling can testify to the power of
family influence in the resolution of problems. Does the family know
how to talk about its problems? Do family members resolve things or
do they simply walk away? Are problems solved by biblical principle
or by power? Do the members of the family use non-verbal signals,
like a dozen roses, to resolve conflicts? Proverbs 12:15–16 says: “The
way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. A
fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an
insult.” A child is trained to be a fool or a prudent, wise man by the
shaping influences of the home.
Sammy would get mad and run from the kindergarten class
whenever he did not like what was going on. The teacher called his
parents in for a conference. Sammy’s dad got frustrated with the
conference and abruptly left the room. The teacher gained a better
understanding of why Sammy behaved this way.
Family Response to Failure
A related shaping issue is how the parents deal with their
children’s failures. Childhood is filled with awkward attempts and
failed efforts. Immature children learning to master the skills of
living in a sophisticated world inevitably make mistakes.
The important issue for our purposes is how those failures are
treated. Are these children made to feel foolish? Are they mocked for
their failures? Does the family find amusement at the expense of
family members? Some parents show a marvelous ability to see failed
attempts as praiseworthy efforts. They always encourage. They are
adept at neutralizing the effects of a fiasco. Whether the child has
known credible commendation or carping criticism or the mix of
those things will be a powerful shaping influence in his life.
Family History
Another issue is each family’s own history. Family members are

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born and others die. There are marriages and divorces. Families
experience social stability or instability. There is enough money or
not enough. Some enjoy good health while others must structure their
lives around sickness or disease. Some have deep roots in the
neighborhood, while others are uprooted continually.
I recently spent time helping a woman sort through the events of
her childhood. Our conversation went like this:
Q: How many times did you move during childhood?
A: A lot of times.
Q: Five or ten?
A: Oh, no, more than that!
Q: Not more than twenty? [Here she stopped for a few minutes
thinking and calculating.]
A: Many more than twenty.
She later told me that she and her sister had counted forty-six
moves before age eighteen.
To be sure, that family history profoundly shaped this woman’s
values and perspectives.
This brief list is only suggestive of circumstances that have
impact on our lives. The effect of these things on us is undeniable.