Shepherding a Child's Heart

Addressing the Heart
The temptation is to focus on behavior. Behavior is visible (or
perhaps audible). It seems more readily accessible.
Recall with me the principle we saw in the first chapter, The Heart
Directs Behavior.  Behavior is a manifestation of what is going on
inside. What a person says or does mirrors the heart. “For out of the
overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
Principles of communication discussed in chapters 8–10 come to
life here. Behavior has a “when,” a “what,” and a “why.” The “when”
describes the circumstances in which the behavior occurred. The
“what” describes the things that were said or done. The “why”
describes the internal heart issues that pushed or pulled the specific
behavior. You must explore with your children not just the “when” or
the “what” of their behavior, but the “why.” You must help them to
look at the “what” of their behavior from the “why” perspective. Your
task is to help them understand the “overflow of the heart” aspect of
their behavior.
Carrie was grumbling and complaining one afternoon. It was hard
to discern the cause of the problem. Her parents’ temptation was
simply to address the behavior—“Stop complaining!” or “I don’t
want to hear another word of complaint from you!” They might have
turned to the tried-and-true practice of silencing their child by
shaming her—“You should be ashamed of yourself for complaining
when you have so many blessings.”

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Instead, they began to get under the behavior and peel back the
layers of excuses and reasons for feeling grumpy. Eventually, they got
to the “overflow of the heart” issue. Carrie was mad because things
weren’t going her way. Inside, she wanted to play God. She wanted to
call the shots. She wanted her will to be done on earth as God’s will is
done in heaven. She had decided how things should go and they
weren’t going that way. The “overflow of the heart” issue here was
being dissatisfied with the job God was doing governing the world.
She was not self-conscious of all this, but these were the root issues.
Unless you take behavior apart in this way, you end up always
addressing the externals. You will be like the man who tries to solve
the problem of weeds in his lawn by mowing the grass. The weeds
always grow back.