Shepherding a Child's Heart

Developing Character
It is important to address the heart and appeal to the conscience
because of the concern with character development during these
middle years of the child’s life. Character could be defined as living
consistently with who God is and who I am.

---

Training Character
Let’s take a character quality like dependability. How does
training in dependability fit this definition:
The background material in the two columns above forms the
basis for your communication with your child as you help him to
learn to be dependable. You want to hold out who God is as a basis for
making choices about what he should do and be. His calling as a
creature is to be dependable. God does not simply lay it out as a rule
to follow, but has sent his Son to change people from the inside out so
that they can be what he has called them to be. God will fight
alongside of and in behalf of his child. Offer your exhortations and
encouragements in a way that is consistent with your child’s nature
and God’s.
You cannot, with integrity, tell your child that if he tries hard
enough, if he is good enough, if he really wants it, he can be what God
has called him to be. He can’t. It is not native to him apart from

---

God’s grace and enablement. Nor can you make the more common
mistake. You cannot try to build good qualities of character within
him without reference to God. Many people conclude that if their
child is not a believer, they cannot urge him to his duty in light of
who God is.
If you don’t call him to be what God has called him to be, you end
up giving him a standard of performance that is within the realm of
his native abilities apart from grace. It is a standard that does not
require knowing and trusting God. In other words, you either call your
children to be what they cannot be apart from grace, or you reduce the
standard, giving them one they can keep. If you do that, you reduce
their need for God accordingly.
You must be willing to hold your child accountable to do those
tasks that have been given him to do. Teaching dependability is a
process, not an event. It comes through days of patient and consistent
rehearsing of the things outlined above. There may be times when this
instructional process is underscored with a spanking. But you must
commit yourself to patient instruction.
I mentioned earlier that one of my sons went through a period of
raising pigs. The hydrant where he secured his water during the winter
was a couple hundred feet from the building that housed his pigs. Pigs
require a great deal of water. The water had to be carried because a
hose would freeze. Carrying this water was a major task each day. It
required an hour of carrying for an 11-year-old boy. He would
sometimes stumble and spill much of his load. We encouraged him
that this job was within his capacity, that it was his duty to take
proper care of his animals, and that God could help him to do this job
even though it was arduous.
In the years since, I have had two conversations about this period
of my son’s life. One was with a neighbor who would watch him
struggling with his load and wanted to help him. This man thought at
the time that I had burdened my son too much. The other conversation

---

was with my son, who has repeatedly said that those days were
valuable days for him. They were like David’s boyhood days of
difficulty with the bear and lion. They had prepared him to do battle
with Goliath in the power of the Lord.
David, while only a boy (see 1 Samuel 17:33), said, “The LORD
who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear
will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine” (1 Samuel 17:37).
Why is it that we can see that David learned to trust God in the thick
of things as a boy with the lion and the bear, and yet we think that our
children cannot learn these lessons of faith as well? What is worse,
we set a life before our children that doesn’t even require faith. We
give a keepable standard that casts them on their own resources and
native abilities and endowments—turning them away from Christ and
his cross to themselves and their own resources.
Let’s think through another character quality. All Christian
parents are concerned with moral purity. Remember, character is
living consistently with who God is and who I am.
I am persuaded that we can raise children to be morally pure even

---

in a culture that has exploited sex in every possible manner.
Reading the Proverbs daily provides a very natural setting for
discussing moral purity. In Proverbs 5, there is an extended
discussion of moral impurity and its fruit, as well as the benefits and
sexual delights of purity. The passage warns freely about the danger
of becoming ensnared and bound by the cords of sin. The frequent
reading of the Proverbs provides scores of opportunities for thinking
about the dangers of sexual sin and the joys of sexual freedom within
marriage.
Proverbs 7 describes the adulterous woman. It depicts seduction
and its results. These passages provide a context for frank discussion
of sexuality. They are replete with warning, discernment, and
direction.
I have seen children who have understood these issues grow into
teens who are circumspect and careful. They are persuaded that God
has given the joys of sexuality as well as the context in which it is
experienced.
It is important that you let your children in on the fact that there is
a sexual dimension to Mom and Dad’s relationship. Some Christians
have the mistaken idea that their children should never see Mom and
Dad in any intimate embrace. The result is that the fraudulent affairs
on TV and in the lives of wicked people are the only expressions of
sexuality that they ever see. I am not talking about inviting children
into the bedroom, but about the importance of them knowing that
there is a sexual dimension to Mom and Dad’s relationship.
In addition to this instructional role, you must be prepared to
address distorted concepts of sexuality that you see expressed in the
lives of your children. For example, many little girls learn to walk
and sit in ways that are coy and suggestive. Somehow, adults think
that being a miniature seductress is cute and they affirm such
behavior. Rather, this is a golden opportunity to teach a little girl how
and why to handle herself modestly.

---

The times when young children engage in sexually flirtatious
activity are marvelous opportunities to help them form these biblical
concepts of sexuality. These are times to talk about what wonderful
things are in store for God’s people, who can enjoy a life of fullness
and joy sexually. It is also a great time to talk about the horrible
damage that can be brought on the person who opens himself to
sexual experience outside the context that God has ordained.
As children begin to embrace these truths, they develop internal
controls against sexual sin. They recognize that sexual exploitation is
not the real thing, but a counterfeit of God given sexual enjoyment.
While we have only analyzed two areas of character development,
the approaches we have demonstrated would fit any area of character
growth.