The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

chapter seven

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Love Language #4
A
CTS OF
 S
ERVICE
B
efore we leave Jim and Janice, let’s reexamine Jim’s
answer to my question, “Do you feel loved by Janice?”
“Oh, I’ve always felt loved by her, Dr. Chapman. She is
the best housekeeper in the world. She is an excellent
cook. She keeps my clothes washed and ironed. She is
wonderful about doing things with the children. I know she
loves me.”
Jim’s primary love language was what I call “acts of
service.” By acts of service, I mean doing things you know
your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her
by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things
for her.
Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table,
washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, getting
hairs out of the sink, removing the white spots from the
mirror, getting bugs off the windshield, taking out the
garbage, changing the baby’s diaper, painting a bedroom,
dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in operating
condition, washing or vacuuming the car, cleaning the

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garage, mowing the grass, trimming the shrubs, raking the
leaves, dusting the blinds, walking the dog, changing the
cat’s litter box, and changing water in the goldfish bowl are
all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time,
effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are
indeed expressions of love.
Jesus Christ gave a simple but profound illustration of
expressing love by an act of service when He washed the
feet of His disciples. In a culture where people wore
sandals and walked on dirt streets, it was customary for the
servant of the household to wash the feet of guests as they
arrived. Jesus, who had instructed His disciples to love one
another, gave them an example of how to express that love
when He took a basin and a towel and proceeded to wash
their feet.
1
After that simple expression of love, He
encouraged His disciples to follow His example.
Earlier in His life, Jesus had indicated that in His
kingdom those who would be great would be servants. In
most societies, those who are great lord it over those who
are small, but Jesus Christ said that those who are great
would serve others. The apostle Paul summarized that
philosophy when he said, “Serve one another in love.”
2
I
discovered the impact of “acts of service” in the little
village of China Grove, North Carolina. China Grove sits in
central North Carolina, originally nestled in chinaberry trees,

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not far from Andy Griffith’s legendary Mayberry, and an hour
and a half from Mount Pilot. At the time of this story, China
Grove was a textile town with a population of 1,500. I had
been away for more than ten years, studying anthropology,
psychology, and theology. I was making my semiannual
visit to keep in touch with my roots.
Almost everyone I knew except Dr. Shin and Dr. Smith
worked in the mill. Dr. Shin was the medical doctor, and Dr.
Smith was the dentist. And of course, there was Preacher
Blackburn, who was pastor of the church. For most couples
in China Grove, life centered on work and church. The
conversation at the mill focused on the superintendent’s
latest decision and how it affected their job in particular.
The services at church focused mainly on the anticipated
joys of heaven. In that pristine American setting, I
discovered love language number four.
I was standing under a chinaberry tree after church on
Sunday when Mark and Mary approached me. I didn’t
recognize either of them. I assumed they had grown up
while I was away. Introducing himself, Mark said, “I
understand you have been studying counseling.”
I smiled and said, “Well, a little bit.”
“I have a question,” he said. “Can a couple make it in
marriage if they disagree on everything?”
It was one of those theoretical questions that I knew
had a personal root. I brushed aside the theoretical nature
of his question and asked him a personal question. “How
long have you been married?”

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“Two years,” he responded. “And we don’t agree on
anything.”
“Give me some examples,” I continued.
“Well, for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hunting.
I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hunting on
Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hunting season is
in.”
Mary had been silent until this point when she
interjected. “When hunting season is out, he goes fishing,
and besides that, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He
takes off from work to go hunting.”
“Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from
work to go hunting in the mountains with some buddies. I
don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”
“What else do you disagree on?” I asked.
“Well, she wants me to go to church all the time. I don’t
mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to
rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to
have to go.”
Again, Mary spoke up. “You don’t really want me to go
either,” she said. “You fuss every time I walk out the door.”
I knew that things weren’t supposed to be getting this
hot under a shady tree in front of a church. As a young,
aspiring counselor, I feared that I was getting in over my
head, but having been trained to ask questions and listen, I
continued. “What other things do you disagree on?”
This time Mary answered. “He wants me to stay home
all day and work in the house,” she said. “He gets mad if I

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go see my mother or go shopping or something.”
“I don’t mind her going to see her mother,” he said, “but
when I come home, I like to see the house cleaned up.
Some weeks, she doesn’t make the bed up for three or four
days, and half the time, she hasn’t even started supper. I
work hard, and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that,
the house is a wreck,” he continued. “The baby’s things are
all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. She
seems to be happy to live in a pigpen. We don’t have very
much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could
be clean.”
“What’s wrong with his helping me around the house?”
Mary asked. “He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything
around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He
expects me to do everything. He even expects me to wash
the car.”
Thinking that I had better start looking for solutions
rather than prying for more disagreements, I looked at Mark
and asked, “Mark, when you were dating, before you got
married, did you go hunting every Saturday?”
“Most Saturdays,” he said, “but I always got home in
time to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the time, I’d
get home in time to wash my truck before I went to see her.
I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.”
“Mary, how old were you when you got married?” I
asked.
“I was eighteen,” she said. “We got married right after I
finished high school. Mark graduated a year before me,

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and he was working.”
“During your senior year in high school, how often did
Mark come to see you?” I inquired.
“He came almost every night,” she said. “In fact, he
came in the afternoon and would often stay and have
supper with my family. He would help me do my chores
around the house and then we’d sit and talk until supper
time.”
“Mark, what did the two of you do after supper?” I
asked.
Mark looked up with a sheepish smile and said, “Well,
the regular dating stuff, you know.”
“But if I had a school project,” Mary said, “he’d help me
with it. Sometimes we worked hours on school projects. I
was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He
helped me for three weeks every afternoon. He was great.”
I switched gears and focused on the third area of their
disagreement. “Mark, when you were dating, did you go to
church with Mary on Sunday nights?”
“Yes, I did,” he said. “If I didn’t go to church with her, I
couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.”
“He never complained about it,” Mary said. “In fact, he
seemed to enjoy it. He even helped us with the Christmas
program. After we finished the Christmas float project, we
started working on the set for the Christmas program at the
church. We spent about two weeks working together on
that. He is really talented when it comes to painting and
building sets.”

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I thought I was beginning to see some light, but I wasn’t
sure Mark and Mary were seeing it. I turned to Mary and
asked, “When you were dating Mark, what convinced you
that he really loved you? What made him different from
other guys you had dated?”
“It was the way he helped me with everything,” she
said. “He was so eager to help me. None of the other guys
ever expressed any interest in those things, but it seemed
natural for Mark. He even helped me wash dishes when he
had supper at our house. He was the most wonderful
person I had ever met, but after we got married that
changed. He didn’t help me at all.”
Turning to Mark I asked, “Why do you think you did all
those things for and with her before you were married?”
“It just seemed natural for me,” he said. “It’s what I
would want someone to do for me if she cared about me.”
“And why do you think you stopped helping her after
you got married?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad
worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never
saw my dad vacuum the floor or wash the dishes or do
anything around the house. Since Mom didn’t work outside
the house, she kept everything spotless, did all the cooking,
washing, and ironing. And I guess I just thought that was the
way it was supposed to be.”
Hoping that Mark was seeing what I was seeing, I
asked, “Mark, a moment ago what did you hear Mary say
when I asked her what really made her feel loved by you

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when you were dating?”
He responded, “Helping her with things and doing
things with her.”