The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

What Does Shame Look Like?
When it comes to understanding how we defend ourselves against shame, I have the utmost respect
for the work from the Stone Center at Wellesley. Dr. Linda Hartling, a former relational-cultural
theorist at the Stone Center and now the director of Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies, uses the
late Karen Horney’s work on moving toward, moving against, and moving away to outline the
strategies of disconnection we use to deal with shame.
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According to Dr. Hartling, in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing,
hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and
please. And, some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and
by using shame to fight shame (like sending really mean e-mails).

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Most of us use all of these—at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of
these strategies move us away from our story. Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection. Story is
about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion, and
connection. If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our
story. We also have to respond to shame in a way that doesn’t exacerbate our shame. One way to do
that is to recognize when we’re in shame so we can react with intention.
Shame is a full-contact emotion. Men and women with high levels of shame resilience know when
shame is happening. The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical
shame symptoms. As I mentioned in the chapter on courage, compassion, and connection, I know that
I’m struggling with shame when that warm wash of inadequacy comes over me, my heart races, my
face feels hot, my mouth gets dry, my armpits tingle, and time slows down. It’s important to know our
personal symptoms so we can get deliberate in our response to shame.
When we’re in shame, we’re not fit for human consumption. We need to get back on our emotional
feet before we do, say, e-mail, or text something that we’ll regret. I know that it will take me ten to
fifteen minutes to pull myself together and that I will definitely cry before I’m ready. I’ll also need to
pray. Knowing this is such a gift.
If you want to kick-start your shame resilience and story-claiming, start with these questions.
Figuring out the answers can change your life:
1. Who do you become when you’re backed into that shame corner?
2. How do you protect yourself?
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?
4. What’s the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask
ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two
people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our
strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or
family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of
belonging, we are incredible lucky.
We don’t need love and belonging and story-catching from everyone in our lives, but we need it
from at least one person. If we have that one person or that small group of confidants, the best way to
acknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness. If we’re working toward
relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place: I am worthy.

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Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then