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Behavior Challenge #3: Defiance
All little kids defy their parents from time to time. Sometimes it’s
because the thrill of doing something “forbidden” is irresistible, or it’s
payback for being stopped from doing something he wanted to do earlier
in the day, or perhaps he has just forgotten the rule. But regardless of
the reason, defiance can push our buttons like nothing else. We get mad,
then our emotional elevator drops down, down, down to a primitive
state of anger. Too often, we get sucked in so fast we just react … and
then overreact.
Note: To help put a stop to this process before you react explosively,
it’s a good idea for you to practice magic breathing! When you have a
calm moment, sit comfortably, relax your face, and take a few deep

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breaths—slow in and slow out—to help you practice staying in control
of your emotions.
The Silver Lining of Your Little Tot’s Defiance
Think of defiance as a sign of courage … the ability to stand up for
oneself. It was gutsy of our ancient ancestors to fight off wild
animals with just rocks and sticks, and it’s gutsy for toddlers to
resist parents who are five times their size!
Of course, I’m not saying we should encourage defiance. But I do
believe the goal is to get our headstrong toddlers to join the team …
not to break their spirits.
A little defiance is normal, but repeated disrespect must be stopped. Now
here’s the tricky part: Trying to squash your child’s defiance with a
display of anger often boomerangs. (Think of it as trying to intimidate a
member of a motorcycle gang!) Rather than meekly giving in, your
macho (or macha) little friend may actually yell right in your face and
refuse to back down.
Tools to Prevent Defiance
In a moment, I’ll talk about stopping defiance. But first, here are some
simple steps to prevent it before it happens.
Feed the Meter.
Throughout a normal, happy day, offer your child
dozens of little time-ins (like attention, praise, gossip, and hand checks),
fun routines (like special time), and confidence builders (like offering

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options and playing the boob) to make him feel like a winner. These
steps build the loving bond and magically help our kids become more
cooperative and less defiant.