We should understand that Simon cannot correct everyone's essays individually

Dear Bek,

We should understand that Simon cannot correct everyone's essays individually.
I could give you some hints, as I see how it can be improved, changing your trial a bit (last time at A IELTS exam I managed to get 7.5 at writing)

1.Just write what the diagram is about paraphrasing the question.

You can see how I wrote it above, in my first comment:
The diagram highlights the main stages involved in the life cycle of the honey bee or perhaps you would prefer make it more simple: The diagram illustrates (shows) the life-cycle of the honey bee.

2.Then, overall, summary can be put after introduction (as is advised by Simon to make the report clear from the beginning) or in the end, as you did.

So, perhaps you could write it like I did (see my comment above, among other today's people answers) or perhaps like I wrote it now using your ideas:

Overall, (it is not necessary write ‘obviously overall' - it sounds a bit strange to me) through 6 main steps within approximately 5 weeks the full bee development can be completed, from the eggs laid by one adult generation, its transformation, immature nymphs until the new adults appearance.

3. 4 detailed paragraphs, based on your ideas:
At the first stage, mature females in each 3-day period lay 1 or 2 eggs. Then, after 9-10 days the eggs are ready to hatch, which happens during the second step lasting up to 5 days. Following that, the 2 next stages rely on the growth of immature form of insect, which is called nymph. It is interesting to know (I would suggest ‘find out’)that while bees grow (not 'are grow’) they shed 3 times (or ‘change’, ‘moult’ - I don't know the term 'coast the coats' ?) their coats. More specific, the period of moults 'occurs' (I would rather put here 'lasts’) until 9 days.

Then, during the next stage, after passing a month, the young bees evolve into adults, however they are still immature at this time. Finally, the step up to maturity endures 4 days, and once achieving this fully developed females may match their partners and lay eggs to start a new cycle.

Simons

The diagram illustrates the various stages in the life of a honey bee. We can see that the complete life cycle lasts between 34 and 36 days. It is also noticeable that there are five main stages in the development of the honey bee, from egg to mature adult insect.

The life cycle of the honey bee begins when the female adult lays an egg; the female typically lays one or two eggs every 3 days. Between 9 and 10 days later, each egg hatches and the immature insect, or nymph, appears.

During the third stage of the life cycle, the nymph grows in size and sheds its skin three times. This moulting first takes place 5 days after the egg hatches, then 7 days later, and again another 9 days later. After a total of 30 to 31 days from the start of the cycle, the young adult honey bee emerges from its final moulting stage, and in the space of only 4 days it reaches full maturity.

(169 words, band 9)

*

Here are 3 useful techniques for describing percentages:

1. 
   English speakers usually put the percentage at the start of the sentence.
   
2. 
   Use while, whereas or compared to (after a comma) to add a comparison.
   
3. 
   Use "the figure for" to add another comparison in the next sentence.
   

Use these examples as models for your own sentences:

In 1999, 35% of British people went abroad for their holidays, while only 28% of Australians spent their holidays in a different country. The figure for the USA stood at 31%.

Around 40% of women in the UK had an undergraduate qualification in 1999,compared to 37% of men. The figures for the year 2000 rose slightly to 42% and 38% respectively.

*

IELTS Writing Task 1: ways to prepare

Yesterday I suggested some good ways to prepare for writing task 2, instead of just writing full essays. Here are some study ideas for task 1:

1) Print a collection of questions
Before you start writing any task 1 essays, it's a good idea to have an overview of the different types of questions that you might face. Try to get paper copies (printed) of around 10 different questions - it's useful to be able to see them all in one place. Your 'pack' of questions should include: a line graph, bar chart, pie chart, table, 2 different charts, 3 or more similar charts, process diagram, comparison diagram, life cycle, map.

2) Practise parts of essays
Instead of writing a full essay, try writing 10 introductions - one for each of the questions in your 'pack' (see point 1 above). The next time you are studying, just focus on writing overviews. On a different day, practise describing percentages, or comparing numbers etc...

3) Use 'model' sentences
In last week's lesson I showed you some model sentences for describing percentages. If you look through my task 1 essays in the lessons on this site, you'll find all the sentence structures you need for the 10 question types mentioned in point 1. Use my sentences as models, and simply change the content according to the topic.

The graphs concern about categorized cost distribution of UK school in three certain years.

The most enormous spending in all years was Teacher’s salaries. It constituted 40% of total budjet in 1981 and 45% in 2001, whereas the figure was even more in 1991(exactly half of all expenditure). Other workers salaries required next huge amounts,which was almost the same in 1991 and 2001 at 22% but at the beginning of period it accounted for more quarter of total(28%).

Interestingly, two categories: Resourses and Furniture and equipments were jointly 15% in 1981, next decade the former experienced an increase by 5% while there was a significant drop to 5%. However, the indicators changed inversely coming to 2001, 9 % and 23% respectively. Although insurance took only 2 persent at first, as twenty years passed it was given more importance and was allocated four times more budjet in 2001.

In conclusion, staff salary was hugest expenditure in school and furnute also next noticeable category. (162)

Here is my full sample. I will be pleased as long as any correction comment is given.

The given graph reveals how many people on average prefer to use three modes of vehicle for their daily journeys in UK in the past, now and in the future.
From an overall perspective, during the period car and train are expected to grow in popularity, whereas less people will be interested in using bus by 2030.
In 1970 the most people (6 million) were travelling by car among three transport means. This trend has rose even more significantly since then. Similarly, there has been an increase in the number of people used train from approximately 2 million in 1970 to 3.2 million in 2013. Although quantity of passengers travelled by bus was more than that of train at first, it has experienced a gradual decline and coming to 2013 constituted the same commuter number as train in daily basis.

All trends are predicted to continue in the same way as past years in the future. While in coming decades private car and train commuters will probably grow dramatically in parallel, the future of bus usage is more pessimistic which at the end of the period less than 3 million people will be taking a bus in everyday life.

Yusuf