50 Successful Harvard Application Essays

D
AVID
L
IU
It was a typical midsummer evening, hot and humid. The air hung stagnant, pressing on me like a
thick blanket.…
Bam!
The gunshot lingered in the heavy air for an instant. Then nearly ninety thousand people began
screaming. I was one of them.
The journey that brought me to this moment had been long.
It began in elementary school. At the time, I had a youthful confidence in my running skills, even
entertaining the idea of participating at the Olympics one day. The tough competition of high school,
however, brought me back to earth. Going to the Olympics was clearly not within my reach, and that
particular ambition was reluctantly relegated to a dusty corner of my consciousness.
Later, in a moment of inspiration, I rekindled the flame of that old dream—could I possibly
volunteer to work for the United States at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics? At first, I
enthusiastically attempted to sign up as a volunteer for the track team. After being summarily rejected
because of my young age, for a brief moment I felt as if my hopes were doomed to be snuffed out
again. Unwilling to accept defeat, I regrouped and realized that my most useful quality—Chinese
fluency—would best serve the Media Services department. While Bob Condron, head of that branch,
was more open to my request, he remained hesitant (I would only be sixteen at the time of the Games).
Undeterred, I suggested using the volunteering experience as part of my Eagle Scout project, which
rules state must be completed before my eighteenth birthday. To my great joy, Mr. Condron soon
accepted me as a member of their team, adding, “We’ve never hired an underage volunteer in the U.S.
Olympic Committee before. “
However, there were still daunting obstacles barring the way to Beijing. Chief among these was
cost—as a volunteer, I had to pay for everything, and since my mother had to accompany me (an
unfortunate consequence of being underage), we were in need of quite a bit of cash. To raise the
necessary funds, I sought out work, eventually gaining experience in an eclectic group of
occupations. I also fund-raised extensively, describing myself and my project at a number of
companies and organizations. While this was difficult, it gave me practice in speaking to a number of
people from different backgrounds.
As you’ve undoubtedly realized, the opening scenario isn’t the latest script for an exciting
crime/drama TV series, but it was arguably even more thrilling. Exactly 19.3 seconds after that
gunshot, Usain Bolt broke the twelve-year-old world record in the 200-meter sprint.
As I walked out of the stadium, I was lost in thought: lost in the history I bore witness to, and lost in

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everything I had experienced to get to that point. How fortunate I was, to have learned to forge ahead
in all circumstances, finding alternative approaches when necessary. How fortunate I was, to have the
stars align so seamlessly—my love for sports and Chinese meshed perfectly with the Olympics that
just happened to be hosted in China. How fortunate I was, to be able to seize that opportunity. Best of
all, how fortunate I am, to accomplish my childhood dream.
The chatter of thousands of jubilant fans jolted me from my reverie. I took a deep breath,
quickened my pace, and joined them as we headed to the bus stop.
REVIEW
David begins his essay with an unusual and very successful hook. Unlike similar openings that start
with a dramatic scene, he uses the ambiguity of language to his benefit. The red herring he creates
when describing the gunshot both cleverly twists a preexisting mental image and creates a mystery
about the connection between events that slowly reveal themselves throughout the essay. It is an
effective rhetorical tool that compels the admissions officer to keep reading.
The international experience is the most obvious, and often most envied, choice for the college
essay. It is seen as the easiest way to get the attention of the admissions committee and demonstrate the
unique background you would bring to the school that is always mentioned in admissions’
presentations. What David does very well, though, is place the experience within the context of its
personal significance. He effectively communicates how he developed a personal goal and worked
hard to achieve it, but the real strength of the essay comes from the last two paragraphs. David
captures a moment in time and then connects all of the various themes he has developed throughout
the essay, from the opening hook to his own previous achievements. Clearly a very skilled writer, he
uses visual imagery to reflect on the circumstances around him. In the process, he provides key
insights into his individual personality and his ability to appreciate and learn from a particular
experience.
Of course, there are aspects of the essay he could improve. The paragraph in which David details
how he landed a volunteer spot with the team, in particular, reads more like a professional cover
letter than a personal recollection on perseverance. On the whole, however, David has written a
masterful essay that can provide a model for narrative structures within a college essay.
—Raul P. Quintana

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