A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Adult: Hmmm. When you put the wrong answer, 
you’re stupid, but when they put the wrong 
answer, they’re not. I don’t get it. 
Cindy: Me either. 

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Teach Your Children Well 
201 
Adult: It’s a little confusing because you get really 
good grades. How can you be stupid if you get 
really good grades? 
Cindy: I don’t know. 
Adult: Maybe you’re not stupid. 
Cindy: No, I’m stupid. Like sometimes I don’t 
understand what I read right away and I have to 
go back and read it again. 
Adult: That happens to me sometimes, too. It’s 
interesting—I don’t think I’m stupid because I 
have to read things twice. 
Cindy: That’s you. 
Adult: Does your teacher know the other kids think 
you’re stupid? 
Cindy: Yes. 
Adult: What does your teacher say about that? 
Cindy: She tells me she thinks I’m very smart. 
Adult: Does that help you think you’re not stupid? 
Cindy: No. 
Adult: Is there anything else about school you don’t 
like besides that the other kids think you’re 
stupid? 
Cindy: Well, nobody likes me. 
Clearly, such inflexible interpretations often defy 
logic. And in many instances these interpretations con-
tribute to a child’s cumulative level of frustration or 

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202 
The Explosive Child 
fuel his frustration at a given moment. In general, when 
these statements are made only in the context of an ex-
plosion, they may simply be a sign that the child is hav-
ing trouble thinking clearly at that moment. If they 
occur outside the context of vapor lock and meltdown, 
the statements may reflect something less fleeting. 
Entire books have been written on how to restructure 
the inaccurate, maladaptive thoughts of children and 
adults. The idea is to help the individual recognize the 
inaccuracy of his existing belief systems and replace the 
inaccurate thoughts that make up these belief systems 
with a more accurate, adaptive way of thinking. This re-
structuring usually involves “disconfirming” the individ-
ual’s old thoughts by presenting—in a user-friendly, 
low-key, systematic manner—evidence that is contrary 
to these rigid beliefs. With a child who is stuck on the 
belief that she’s stupid, we might have a teacher or par-
ent whisper the following comment in response to a 
good grade on an assignment: “I know you sometimes 
think you’re stupid, but I don’t think someone who’s stu-
pid could have done that well on that math test.” In a child 
who has bona fide weaknesses in one area and strengths in 
another, a teacher’s feedback might be as follows: “I know 
you’re struggling with reading—and that makes you say 
you’re stupid sometimes—but I’ve never seen anybody 
who was so good at math. Looks to me like you’re really 
good in math and still need some help in reading.” With 

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Teach Your Children Well 
203 
such feedback being presented continually—not just once 
or twice—sometimes we can make a dent in a child’s in-
flexible belief system. Parents and teachers do this sort 
of thing with all children. It just takes on a little more 
urgency and requires more time, patience, and hard 
work with explosive children. But it would be a coup for 
a child who previously summarized her abilities with 
“I’m stupid” to instead begin saying, “I’m good in math, 
but I still need help in reading.” 
Let’s think about a few additional social skills. Let’s say 
a child was having difficulty sharing the PlayStation dur-
ing play-dates. This could reflect difficulty attending to 
social nuances (for example, that the playmate was pout-
ing or not having a very good time) or difficulty appreciat-
ing the impact of one’s behavior on others, or both. Let’s 
see what a Proactive Plan B discussion might sound like: