August 25, 1991 Dear friend

party between Sam and Patrick, and I remembered that Sam introduced me
as her friend to Bob. And I remembered that Patrick had done the same for
Brad. And I started to cry. And nobody in that room looked at me weird for
doing it. And then I really started to cry.
Bob raised his drink and asked everyone to do the same.
“To Charlie.”
And the whole group said, “To Charlie.”
I didn’t know why they did that, but it was very special to me that they
did. Especially Sam. Especially her.
I would tell you more about the homecoming dance, but now that I’m
thinking about it, me letting out the air of Dave’s tires was the best part. I
did try to dance like Bill suggested, but I usually like songs you can’t dance
to, so I didn’t do it too much. Sam did look very pretty in her dress, but I
was trying not to notice because I’m trying not to think of her that way.
I did notice that Brad and Patrick never talked once during the whole
dance because Brad was off dancing with a cheerleader named Nancy, who
is his girlfriend. And I did notice that my sister was dancing with the boy
she wasn’t supposed to even though a different boy picked her up at the
house.
After the dance, we left in Sam’s pickup. Patrick was driving this time.
As we were approaching the Fort Pitt Tunnel, Sam asked Patrick to pull to
the side of the road. I didn’t know what was going on. Sam then climbed in
the back of the pickup, wearing nothing but her dance dress. She told
Patrick to drive, and he got this smile on his face. I guess they had done this
before.
Anyway, Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the
tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves.
When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it
was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called
“Landslide.” When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun
scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything
that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started
laughing. I started laughing.
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
Love always,
Charlie

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part 2

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November 7, 1991
Dear friend,
It was one of those days that I didn’t mind going to school because the
weather was so pretty. The sky was overcast with clouds, and the air felt
like a warm bath. I don’t think I ever felt that clean before. When I got
home, I had to mow the lawn for my allowance, and I didn’t mind one bit. I
just listened to the music, and breathed in the day, and remembered things.
Things like walking around the neighborhood and looking at the houses and
the lawns and the colorful trees and having that be enough.
I do not know anything about Zen or things that the Chinese or Indians
do as part of their religion, but one of the girls from the party with the tattoo
and belly button ring has been a Buddhist since July. She talks about very
little else except maybe how expensive cigarettes are. I see her at lunch
sometimes, smoking between Patrick and Sam. Her name is Mary
Elizabeth.
Mary Elizabeth told me that the thing about Zen is that it makes you
connected to everything in the world. You are part of the trees and the grass
and the dogs. Things like that. She even explained how her tattoo
symbolized this, but I can’t remember how. So, I guess Zen is a day like this
when you are part of the air and remember things.
One thing I remember is that the kids used to play a game. What you
would do is take a football or something, and one person would have it, and
all the other kids would try to tackle that kid. And then whoever got the ball
next would run around with it, and the kids would try to tackle him. This
could go on for hours. I never really understood the point of this game, but
my brother loved it. He didn’t like to run with the ball so much as he liked
to tackle people. The kids called the game “smear the queer.” I didn’t really
think about what that means until now.
Patrick told me the story about him and Brad, and now I understand why
Patrick didn’t get angry at Brad at the homecoming dance for dancing with
a girl. When they were both juniors, Patrick and Brad were at a party
together with the rest of the popular kids. Patrick actually used to be
popular before Sam bought him some good music.

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Patrick and Brad both got pretty drunk at this party. Actually, Patrick said
that Brad was pretending to be a lot drunker than he really was. They were
sitting in the basement with some girl named Heather, and when she left to
go to the bathroom, Brad and Patrick were left alone. Patrick said it was
uncomfortable and exciting for both of them.
“You’re in Mr. Brosnahan’s class, right?”
“Have you ever gone to a Pink Floyd Laser Light Show?”
“Beer before liquor. Never sicker.”
When they ran out of small talk, they just looked at each other. And they
ended up fooling around right there in the basement. Patrick said it was like
the weight of the whole world left both their shoulders.
But Monday in school, Brad kept saying the same thing.
“Man, I was so wasted. I don’t remember a thing.”
He said it to everyone who was at the party. He said it a few times to the
same people. He even said it to Patrick. Nobody saw Patrick and Brad fool
around, but Brad kept saying it anyway. That Friday, there was another