Copyright 2018 by Colleen Hoover

Crawford. I’ve missed you.
After Jeremy left, I took his damn children to play by the water. I also took
the last book I’d written in my series. Jeremy was right, it had been six months
since I’d written anything. I needed to get back in the groove. I already missed a
deadline, but Pantem was lenient, thanks to the tragic “accidental” loss of
Chastin.
They’d probably be even more lenient on my deadline if they knew what had
really happened to her.
Crew walked out onto the dock toward the canoe. I tensed, because the dock
is old and Jeremy didn’t like them being on it. But Crew didn’t weigh much, so I
relaxed a little. I doubted he could fall through.
He sat down at the edge of the dock and stuck his feet in the canoe. I was
surprised it hadn’t floated away yet. It was hanging by a threadbare rope.
Crew doesn’t know it, and maybe he’ll find out one day, but he was
conceived in that canoe. The week I lied and told Jeremy I was pregnant was the
most prolific week of sex we’d had to date. But I’m pretty sure it was the canoe
that did the trick. It’s why I wanted to name him Crew. I wanted a nautical-
themed name.
I missed those days.
There were a lot of things I missed, actually. Mostly I missed our lives
before we had children. The twins, anyway.
Sitting on the shore that day, watching Crew, I wondered what it would be
like to only have him. It would be another adjustment if Harper were to pass, but
I figured we’d get through it. I wasn’t much help after Chastin died because for a
while, I was grieving too. But if Harper were to pass, I could be more help to
Jeremy during his recovery.

---

This time, there would be very little grief on my part since all my grief was
reserved for Chastin.
Maybe most of Jeremy’s grief was reserved for Chastin, too.
It was a possibility.
I used to assume that the individual deaths of a person’s children would be
equally difficult for them. Losing a second or even third child would hurt just as
much as the first experience.
But that was before Jeremy and I lost Chastin. Her death made us swell with
grief. It filled every crevice inside of us, every limb.
If the canoe were to capsize with the children in it—if Harper were to drown
—Jeremy might not have room for more grief. Maybe he was at full capacity.
When you’ve already lost one child, you might as well have lost them all.
With no room for more grief and Harper no longer around, the three of us
could become the perfect family.
“Harper.”
She was several feet from me, playing in the sand. I stood up and wiped the
back of my jeans. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go for a ride in the canoe with your
brother.”
Harper jumped up, unaware as she stepped foot onto the dock that she’d
never know what the earth felt like beneath her feet again.
“I get front,” she said. I followed her to the edge of the dock. I helped Crew
climb in first, then Harper. Then I sat down and carefully lowered myself into
the boat. I used the paddle to push away from the dock.
I was in the back of the boat, and Crew was in the middle. I paddled us out to
the middle of the lake as they leaned over the edge, running their fingers in the
water.
The lake was calm as I looked around. We lived in a cove with 2,000 feet of
shoreline, so we didn’t get much of the lake traffic out here. It was a quiet day.
Harper sat up straight in the canoe and wiped her hands on her leggings. She
turned around, her back to me Crew and me.
I leaned forward, close to Crew’s ear. I covered his mouth with my hand.
“Crew. Sweetie. Hold your breath.”
I gripped the edge of the canoe and leaned all my weight to the right.
I heard a small yelp. I wasn’t sure if it came from Crew or Harper, but after
the yelp and the initial splash, I heard nothing. Just pressure. The silence pressed
against my ears as I kicked my arms and legs until I broke through the surface.
I could hear splashing. Harper’s scream. Crew’s scream. I swam toward
Crew and wrapped my arms around him. I looked toward the house, hoping I
could make it back to shore with him. We were farther out than I’d realized.

---

I started swimming. Harper was screaming.