What He Explains
The Message She Hears
When he comes back from his cave and she is
upset he explains "I needed some time alone, it
was only for two days. What is the big deal?" or "I
didn't do anything to you. Why does it upset you
so?"
What she hears is "You shouldn't feel hurt or
abandoned, and if you do, I have no empathy for
you. You are too needy and controlling. I will do
whatever I want, I don't care about, your
feelings."
How She Can Be Less Disapproving
How He Can be More Validating
If it upsets her she could say "I know you need to
pull away at times but it still hurts when you pull
away. I'm not saying you are wrong but it is
important to me for you to understand what I go
through."
He says, "I understand it hurts when I pull away.
It must be very painful for you when I pull away.
Let's talk about it." (When she feels heard then it
is easier for her to accept his need to pull away at
times.)
4. When He Disappoints Her
Her Rhetorical Question
The Message He Hears
When he disappoints her, she says "How could
you do this?" or "Why can't you do what you say
you are going to do?'' or "Didn't you say you
would do it?" or "When will you ever learn?"
The message he hears is "There is no good reason
for disappointing me. You are an idiot. You can't
do anything right. I can't be happy until you
change!"
What He Explains
The Message She Hears
When she is disappointed with him, he explains
"Hey, next time I'll get it right" or "It's not such a
big deal" or "But I didn't know what you meant."
What she hears is "If you are upset it is your fault.
You should be more flexible. You shouldn't get
upset, and I have no empathy for you."
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