changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years
ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and I would have
mistakenly blamed it on her.
I would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long, slow torture. I would have
taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. I would have become defensive
and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we were going
on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, torturous vacation.
All this would have happened because I didn't understand and validate her feelings.
This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement about
me. Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out
she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and I felt her love,
acceptance, and approval. Because I have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she
deserved. We didn't have an argument.
105
Chapter 10
Scoring Points with
the Opposite Sex
A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like
buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does
something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on
this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and
attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because
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