My version uses more simple vocabulary. I avoid words like “specific”. My goal is absolute clarity. All I want to do is show the reader what the idea of the paragraph is.
4. Think about how you use examples and reasons – omit unnecessary details
Part of the problem with the original version is that the example is rather long and there is a danger that the main point is lost. Examples tend to be “a good thing”, but you need to think carefully how you use them. Do they illustrate the point you want to make. In the sample paragraph, there is so much detail (Shanghai) that the point of the example is rather lost.
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