fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs, however, he becomes defensive and his
dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword.
On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so
forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues
about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of
the following reasons:
THE SECRET REASONS WE ARGUE
The Hidden Reasons He Is Arguing
What He Needs Not To Argue
1. "I don't like it when she gets upset over the
smallest things I do or don't do. I feel criticized,
rejected, and unaccepted."
1. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is.
Instead he feels she is trying to improve him.
2. "I don't like it when she starts telling me how I
should do things. I don't feel admired. Instead I
feel like I am being treated like a child."
2. He needs to feel admired. Instead he feels put
down.
3. "I don't like it when she blames me for her
unhappiness. I don't feel encouraged to be her
knight in shining armor."
3. He needs to feel encouraged. Instead he feels
like giving up.
The Hidden Reasons She Is Arguing
What She Needs Not To Argue
1. "I don't like it when he doesn't respond to my
questions or comments. It makes me feel like I
don't exist. "
1. She needs to feel reassured that he is listening
and that he cares. Instead she feels ignored or
judged.
2. "I don't like it when he explains why I should
not be hurt, worried, angry, or anything else. I feel
invalidated and unsupported.
2. She needs to feel validated and understood.
Instead she feels unsupported, unloved, and
resentful.
3. "1 don't like it when he expects me to be more
detached. It makes me feel like it is wrong or
weak to have feelings."
3. She needs to feel respected and cherished,
especially when she is sharing her feelings.
Instead she feels unsafe and unprotected.
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