to come up. But when they do come up, we react differently to our partners. In most
relationships, 90 percent of what is upsetting to us would not be upsetting if our past
unresolved feelings were not coming up.
How We Con Support Each Other
When a man's past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those
times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman's past comes up is when her self-esteem
crashes. She descends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.
This insight helps you to control your feelings when they come up. If you are upset with your
partner, before confronting him or her first write out your feelings on paper. Through the
process of writing Love Letters your negativity will be automatically released and your past
hurt will be healed. Love Letters help center you in present time so that you can respond to
your partner in a more trusting, accepting, understanding, and forgiving way.
Understanding the 90/10 principle also helps when your partner is reacting strongly to you.
Knowing that he or she is being influenced by the past can help you to be more understanding
and supportive.
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Never tell your partner, when it appears as though their "stuff" is coming up, that they are
overreacting. That just hurts them more. If you poked someone right in the middle of a wound
you wouldn't tell them they were overreacting.
Understanding how the feelings of the past come up gives us a greater understanding of why
our partners react the way they do. It is part of their healing process. Give them some time to
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