The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

At the end of the first year, Patsy was desperate.
At the end of the first year, Patsy was desperate. She
had mentioned it before, but this time she calmly said to
Pete, “I am going to find a marriage counselor. Do you want
to go with me?”
But Pete answered, “I don’t need a marriage
counselor. I don’t have time to go to a marriage counselor. I
can’t afford a marriage counselor.”
“Then I’ll go alone,” said Patsy.
“Fine, you are the one who needs counseling anyway.”
The conversation was over. Patsy felt totally alone, but

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the next week she made an appointment with a marriage
counselor. After three sessions, the counselor called Pete
and asked if he would be willing to come in to talk about his
perspective on their marriage. Pete agreed, and the
process of healing began. Six months later, they left the
counselor’s office with a new marriage.
I
said to Pete and Patsy, “What did you learn in counseling
that turned your marriage around?”
“In essence, Dr. Chapman,” Pete said, “we learned to
speak each other’s love language. The counselor did not
use that term, but as you gave the lecture today, the lights
came on. My mind raced back to our counseling
experience, and I realized that’s exactly what happened to
us. We finally learned to speak each other’s love language.”
“So what is your love language, Pete?” I asked.
“Physical touch,” he said without hesitation.
“Physical touch for sure,” said Patsy.
“And yours, Patsy?”
“Quality time, Dr. Chapman. That’s what I was crying
for in those days while he was spending all his time with his
job and his computer.”
“How did you learn that physical touch was Pete’s love
language?”
“It took a while,” Patsy said. “Little by little, it began to
come out in the counseling. At first, I don’t think Pete even

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realized it.”
“She’s right,” Pete said. “I was so insecure in my own
sense of self-worth that it took forever for me to be willing to
identify and acknowledge that her lack of touch had caused
me to withdraw. I never told her that I wanted to be touched,
although I was crying inside for her to reach out and touch
me. In our dating relationship, I had always taken the
initiative in hugging, kissing, and holding hands, but she
had always been responsive. I felt that she loved me, but
after we got married, there were times that I reached out to
her physically and she was not responsive. Maybe with her
new job responsibilities she was too tired. I don’t know, but
I took it personally. I felt that she didn’t find me attractive.
Then I decided I would not take the initiative because I
didn’t want to be rejected. So I waited to see how long it
would be before she’d initiate a kiss or a touch or sexual
intercourse. Once I waited for six weeks before she
touched me at all. I found it unbearable. My withdrawal was
to stay away from the pain I felt when I was with her. I felt
rejected, unwanted, and unloved.”
Then Patsy said, “I had no idea that that was what he
was feeling. I knew that he was not reaching out to me. We
were not kissing and hugging as we had done earlier, but I
just assumed that since we were married, that was not as
important to him now. I knew that he was under pressure
with his job. I had no idea that he wanted me to take the
initiative.
“He’s right. I would go weeks without touching him. It

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didn’t cross my mind. I was preparing meals, keeping the
house clean, doing his laundry, and trying to stay out of his
way. I honestly didn’t know what else I could be doing. I
could not understand his withdrawal or his lack of attention
to me. It’s not that I dislike touching; it’s just that it was never
that important to me. Spending time with me is what made
me feel loved and appreciated, giving me attention. It really
didn’t matter whether we hugged or kissed. As long as he
gave me his attention, I felt loved.
“It took us a long time to discover the root of the
problem, but once we discovered that we were not meeting
each other’s emotional need for love, we began to turn
things around. Once I began to take the initiative in giving
him physical touch, it’s amazing what happened. His
personality, his spirit changed drastically. I had a new
husband. Once he became convinced that I really did love
him, then he began to become more responsive to my
needs.”
“Does he still have a computer at home?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, “but he seldom uses it and when he
does, it’s all right because I know that he is not ‘married’ to
the computer. We do so many things together that it’s easy
for me to give him the freedom to use the computer when
he wants to.”
“What amazed me at the seminar today,” Pete said,
“was the way your lecture on love languages carried me
back all these years to that experience. You said in twenty
minutes what it took us six months to learn.”

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“Well,” I said, “it’s not how fast you learn it but how well
you learn it that matters. And obviously, you have learned it
well.”
P
ete is only one of many individuals for whom physical
touch is the primary love language. Emotionally, they yearn
for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically.
Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub,
holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those
and other “love touches” are the emotional lifeline of the
person for whom physical touch is the primary love
language.
NOTES
1. Mark 10:13.
2. Mark 10:14–16.

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If your spouse’s love language is