The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with
physical technique but everything to do with meeting
emotional needs.
For the female, sexual desire is rooted in her
emotions, not her physiology. There is nothing physically
that builds up and pushes her to have intercourse. Her
desire is emotionally based. If she feels loved and admired
and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to
be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional
closeness she may have little physical desire.
Because the male is physically pushed to have sexual
release on a somewhat regular basis, he may automatically
assume that that is his primary love language. But if he
does not enjoy physical touch at other times and in
nonsexual ways, it may not be his love language at all.
Sexual desire is quite different from his emotional need to
feel loved. That doesn’t mean that sexual intercourse is
unimportant to him—it is extremely important—but sexual
intercourse alone will not meet his need to feel loved. His
wife must speak his primary emotional love language as
well.
When, in fact, his wife speaks his primary love
language and his emotional love tank is full, and he speaks
her primary love language and her emotional tank is full, the
sexual aspect of their relationship will take care of itself.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with

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physical technique but everything to do with meeting
emotional needs.
After further conversation and reflection, Bob said,
“You know, I think you are right. ‘Words of Affirmation’ is
definitely my primary love language. When she has been
cutting and critical of me verbally, I tend to withdraw from
her sexually and fantasize about other women. But when
she tells me how much she appreciates me and admires
me, my natural sexual desires are turned toward her.” Bob
had made a significant discovery in our brief conversation.
W
hat is your primary love language? What makes you
feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above
all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to
your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the
negative use of love languages. What does your spouse do
or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply? If, for
example, your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental
words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is
“Words of Affirmation.” If your primary love language is
used negatively by your spouse—that is, he does the
opposite—it will hurt you more deeply than it would hurt
someone else because not only is he neglecting to speak
your primary love language, he is actually using that
language as a knife to your heart.

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I
remember Mary in Kitchener, Ontario, who said, “Dr.
Chapman, what hurts me most is that Ron never lifts a hand
to help me around the house. He watches television while I
do all the work. I don’t understand how he could do that if he
really loved me.” Mary’s deepest hurt, mainly that Ron did
not help her do things around the house, was the clue to her
primary love language—“Acts of Service.” If it grieves you
deeply that your spouse seldom gives you a gift for any
occasion, then perhaps your primary love language is
“Receiving Gifts.” If your deepest hurt is that your spouse
seldom gives you quality time, then that is your primary love
language.
Another approach to discovering your primary love
language is to look back over your marriage and ask,
“What have I most often requested of my spouse?”
Whatever you have most requested is probably in keeping
with your primary love language. Those requests have
probably been interpreted by your spouse as nagging. They
have been, in fact, your efforts to secure emotional love
from your spouse.
Elizabeth, who lived in Maryville, Indiana, used that
approach in discovering her primary love language. She
said to me at the conclusion of a seminar session,
“Whenever I look back over the last ten years of my
marriage and ask myself what have I most requested of
Peter, my love language becomes obvious. I have
requested ‘Quality Time’ most often. Over and over again, I

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have asked him if we could go on a picnic, take a weekend
together away, shut the TV off for just an hour and talk with
each other, take a walk together, and on and on. I have felt
neglected and unloved because seldom did he ever
respond to my request. He gave me nice gifts for my
birthday and special occasions and wondered why I was
not excited about them.
“During your seminar,” she continued, “the lights came
on for both of us. During the break, my husband apologized
for being so dense through the years and so resistant to my
requests. He has promised me that things will be different
in the future, and I believe they will.”