The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

chapter ten

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L
OVE
 I
SA
 C
HOICE
H
ow can we speak each other’s love language when we
are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures?
The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of
our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that
we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us
have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have
done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices,
although they may have seemed justified at the moment.
Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make
them in the future. Instead we can say, “I’m sorry. I know I
have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I
would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet
your needs.” I have seen marriages rescued from the brink
of divorce when couples make the choice to love.
Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future
different. When we choose active expressions of love in the
primary love language of our spouse, we create an
emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts
and failures.

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B
rent was in my office, stone-faced and unfeeling. He had
come not by his own initiative, but at my request. A week
earlier his wife, Becky, had been sitting in the same chair,
weeping uncontrollably. Between her outbursts of tears, she
managed to verbalize that Brent had told her that he no
longer loved her and that he was leaving. She was
devastated.
When she regained her composure she said, “We
have both worked so hard the last two or three years. I
knew that we were not spending as much time together as
we used to, but I thought we were working for a common
goal. I cannot believe what he is saying. He has always
been such a kind and caring person. He is such a good
father to our children.” She continued, “How could he do this
to us?”
I listened as she described their twelve years of
marriage. It was a story I had heard many times before.
They had an exciting courtship, got married at the height of
the “in love experience,” had the typical adjustments in the
early days of marriage, and pursued the American dream.
In due time, they came down off the emotional high of the
“in love experience” but did not learn to speak each other’s
love language sufficiently. She had lived with a love tank
only half full for the last several years, but she had received
enough expressions of love to make her think that
everything was OK. However, his love tank was empty.
I told Becky that I would see if Brent would talk with me.

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I told Brent on the phone, “As you know, Becky came to see
me and told me about her struggle with what is happening
in the marriage. I want to help her, but in order to do so, I
need to know what you are thinking.”
He agreed without hesitation, and now he sat in my
office. His outward appearance was in stark contrast to
Becky’s. She had been weeping uncontrollably, but he was
stoic. I had the impression, however, that his weeping had
taken place weeks or perhaps months ago and that it had
been an inward weeping. The story Brent told confirmed my
hunch.
“I just don’t love her anymore,” he said. “I haven’t loved
her for a long time. I don’t want to hurt her, but we are not
close. Our relationship has become empty. I don’t enjoy
being with her anymore. I don’t know what happened. I wish
it were different, but I don’t have any feelings for her.”
Brent was thinking and feeling what hundreds of
thousands of husbands have thought and felt through the
years. It’s the “I don’t love her anymore” mind-set that gives
men the emotional freedom to seek love with someone
else. The same is true for wives who use the same excuse.