The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

A
CTS OF
 S
ERVICE
When children are small, parents are continually doing

---

“Acts of Service” for them. If they did not, the child would
die. Bathing, feeding, and dressing all require a great deal
of work in the first few years of a child’s life. Then comes
cooking, washing, and ironing. Then comes packing
lunches, running a taxi service, and helping with homework.
Such things are taken for granted by many children, but for
other children those things communicate love.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to
others. That is a clue to their love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for
ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they are
emotionally important to him or her. Your acts of service are
communicating love in a meaningful way. When you help
him with a science project, it means more than a good
grade. It means “My parent loves me.” When you fix a
bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels. You
send him away with a full tank. If your child consistently
offers to help you with your work projects, it probably means
that in his mind that is a way of expressing love, and “Acts
of Service” likely is his primary love language.
P
HYSICAL
 T
OUCH
We have long known that “Physical Touch” is an

---

emotional communicator to children. Research has shown
that babies who are handled often develop better
emotionally than babies who are not. Naturally many
parents and other adults pick up an infant, hold it, cuddle it,
kiss it, squeeze it, and speak silly words to it. Long before
the child understands the meaning of the word 
love,
she
feels loved. Hugging, kissing, patting, holding hands are all
ways of communicating love to a child. The hugging and
kissing of a teenager will differ from the hugging and
kissing of an infant. Your teenager may not appreciate such
behavior in the presence of peers, but that doesn’t mean
that he does not want to be touched, especially if it is his
primary love language.
If your teenager is regularly coming up behind you and
grabbing your arms, lightly pushing you, grabbing you by
the ankle when you walk through the room, tripping you,
those are all indications that “Physical Touch” is important
to him.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to
others. That is a clue to their love language. Take note of
the things they request of you. Many times, their request will
be in keeping with their own love language. Notice the
things for which they are most appreciative. Those are
likely indicators of their primary love language.
Our daughter’s love language is “Quality Time”; thus,
as she grew up, she and I often took walks together. During
her high school years while she attended Salem Academy,
one of the oldest girls’ academies in the country, we took

---

walks amid the quaint surroundings of Old Salem. The
Moravians have restored the village, which is more than two
hundred years old. Walking the cobblestone streets takes
one back to a simpler time. Strolling through the ancient
cemetery gives one a sense of reality about life and death.
In those years, we walked three afternoons a week and had
long discussions in that austere setting. She is a medical
doctor now, but when she comes home, she almost always
says, “Want to take a walk, Dad?” I have never refused her
invitation.
My son would never walk with me. He said, “Walking’s
dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If you’re going
somewhere, drive.”
“Quality Time” was not his primary love language. As
parents, we often try to pour all of our children into the same
mold. We go to parenting conferences or read books on
parenting, get some wonderful ideas, and want to go home
and practice with each child. The problem is that each child
is different, and what communicates love to one child may
not communicate love to another. Forcing a child to take a
walk with you so that you can spend quality time together
will not communicate love. We must learn to speak our
children’s language if we want them to feel loved.
I
believe that most parents sincerely love their children. I
also believe that thousands of parents have failed to

---

communicate love in the proper language and thousands of
children in this country are living with an empty emotional
tank. I believe that most misbehavior in children and
teenagers can be traced to empty love tanks.
It is never too late to express love. If you have older
children and realize that you have been speaking the wrong
love language, why not tell them? “You know, I have been
reading a book on how to express love, and I realize that I
have not been expressing my love to you in the best way
through the years. I have tried to show you my love by
_______, but I’m now realizing that that probably has not
communicated love to you, that your love language is
probably something different. I am beginning to think that
your love language is probably _______. You know, I really
do love you, and I hope that in the future I can express it to
you in better ways.” You might even want to explain the five
love languages to them and discuss your love language as
well as theirs.
Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children. If
they are old enough to understand the concept of love
languages, your discussion may open their eyes. You may
be surprised at their willingness to start speaking your love
language and, if they do, you might be surprised at the way
your feelings and attitudes toward them begin to change.
When family members start speaking each other’s primary
love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly
enhanced.

---

---

---