The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

chapter fourteen

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A P
ERSONAL
 W
ORD
I
n chapter 2, I warned the reader that “understanding the
five love languages and learning to speak the primary love
language of your spouse may radically affect his or her
behavior.” Now I ask, “What do you think?” Having read
these pages, walked in and out of the lives of several
couples, visited small villages and large cities, sat with me
in the counseling office, and talked with people in
restaurants, what do you think? Could these concepts
radically alter the emotional climate of your marriage? What
would happen if you discovered the primary love language
of your spouse and chose to speak it consistently?
Neither you nor I can answer that question until you
have tried it. I know that many couples who have heard this
concept at my marriage seminars say that choosing to love
and expressing it in the primary love language of their
spouse has made a drastic difference in their marriage.
When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a
climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a
much more productive manner.
We each come to marriage with a different personality
and history. We bring emotional baggage into our marriage

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relationship. We come with different expectations, different
ways of approaching things, and different opinions about
what matters in life. In a healthy marriage, that variety of
perspectives must be processed. We need not agree on
everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences
so that they do not become divisive. With empty love tanks,
couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to
be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when
the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a
climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow
differences and to negotiate problems. I am convinced that
no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage as
much as meeting the emotional need for love.
The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not
loving you, may seem impossible for some. Such love may
require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number
of years ago, as I faced my own marital struggles, I
rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had
been trained to examine data. I decided to personally
excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining the
historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and
resurrection, I came to view His death as an expression of
love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His
power. I became a true “believer.” I committed my life to
Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual
energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would
encourage you to make your own investigation of the one
whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him:

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“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” That
is love’s ultimate expression.
The high divorce rate in our country bears witness that
thousands of married couples have been living with an
empty emotional love tank. The growing number of
adolescents who run away from home and clash with the
law indicates that many parents who may have sincerely
tried to express love to their children have been speaking
the wrong love language. I believe that the concepts in this
book could make an impact upon the marriages and
families of our country.
I have not written this book as an academic treatise to
be stored in the libraries of colleges and universities,
although I hope that professors of sociology and
psychology will find it helpful in courses on marriage and
family life. I have written not to those who are studying
marriage but to those who are married, to those who have
experienced the “in love” euphoria, who entered marriage
with lofty dreams of making each other supremely happy
but in the reality of day-to-day life are in danger of losing
that dream entirely. It is my hope that thousands of those
couples will not only rediscover their dream but will see the
path to making their dreams come true.
I dream of a day when the potential of the married
couples in this country can be unleashed for the good of
humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full
emotional love tanks and reach out to accomplish their
potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of a day

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when children can grow up in homes filled with love and
security, where children’s developing energies can be
channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the
love they did not receive at home. It is my desire that this
brief volume will kindle the flame of love in your marriage
and in the marriages of thousands of other couples like you.
If it were possible, I would hand this book personally to
every married couple in this country and say, “I wrote this for
you. I hope it changes your life. And if it does, be sure to
give it to someone else.” Since I cannot do that, I would be
pleased if you would give a copy of this book to your family,
to your brothers and sisters, to your married children, to
your employees, to those in your civic club or church or
synagogue. Who knows, together we may see our dream
come true.

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