The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

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nother way to discover your primary love language is to
examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse.
Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish
she would do for you. If you are constantly doing “Acts of
Service” for your spouse, perhaps (although not always)
that is your love language. If “Words of Affirmation” speak
love to you, chances are you will use them in speaking love
to your spouse. Thus, you may discover your own language
by asking, “How do I consciously express my love to my
spouse?”
But remember, that approach is only a possible clue to
your love language; it is not an absolute indicator. For
example, the husband who learned from his father to

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express love to his wife by giving her nice gifts expresses
his love to his wife by doing what his father did, yet
“Receiving Gifts” is not his primary love language. He is
simply doing what he was trained to do by his father.
Spend some time writing down what you think is your
primary love language. Then list the other four in order of
importance.
I have suggested three ways to discover your own
primary love language.
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you
most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is
probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse?
The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing
that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your
spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an
indication that that would also make you feel loved.

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Using those three approaches will probably enable you
to determine your primary love language. If two languages
seem to be equal for you, that is, both speak loudly to you,
then perhaps you are bilingual. If so, you make it easier on
your spouse. Now he or she has two choices, either of
which will strongly communicate love to you.
T
wo kinds of people may have difficulty discovering their
primary love language. The first is the individual whose
emotional love tank has been full for a long time. Her
spouse has expressed love in many ways, and she is not
certain which of those ways makes her feel most loved.
She simply knows that she is loved. The second is the
individual whose love tank has been empty for so long that
he doesn’t remember what makes him feel loved. In either
case, go back to the experience of falling in love and ask
yourself, “What did I like about my spouse in those days?
What did he do or say that made me desire to be with
him?” If you can conjure up those memories, it will give you
some idea of your primary love language. Another
approach would be to ask yourself, “What would be an
ideal spouse to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what
would she be like?” Your picture of a perfect mate should
give you some idea of your primary love language.
Having said all of that, let me suggest that you spend
some time writing down what you think is your primary love

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language. Then list the other four in order of importance.
Also write down what you think is the primary love language
of your spouse. You may also list the other four in order of
importance if you wish. Sit down with your spouse and
discuss what you guessed to be his/her primary love
language. Then tell each other what you consider to be your
own primary love language.
Once you have shared that information, I suggest that
you play the following game three times a week for three
weeks. The game is called “Tank Check,” and it is played
like this. When you come home, one of you says to the
other, “On a scale of zero to ten, how is your love tank
tonight?” Zero means empty, and 10 means “I am full of
love and can’t handle any more.” You give a reading on
your emotional love tank—10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or 0,
indicating how full it is. Your spouse says, “What could I do
to help fill it?”
Then you make a suggestion—something you would
like your spouse to do or say that evening. To the best of
his ability, he will respond to your request. Then you repeat
the process in the reverse order so that both of you have
the opportunity to do a reading on your love tank and to
make a suggestion toward filling it. If you play the game for
three weeks, you will be hooked on it, and it can be a
playful way of stimulating love expressions in your
marriage.
One husband said to me, “I don’t like that love tank
game. I played it with my wife. I came home and said to her,

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‘On a scale of zero to ten, how’s your love tank tonight?’
She said, ‘About seven.’ I asked, ‘What could I do to help fill
it?’ She said, ‘The greatest thing you could do for me
tonight is to do the laundry.’ I said, ‘Love and laundry? I
don’t get it.’”
I said, “That’s the problem. Perhaps you don’t
understand your wife’s love language. What’s your primary
love language?”
Without hesitation he said, “Physical touch, and
especially the sexual part of the marriage.”
“Listen to me carefully,” I said. “The love you feel when
your wife expresses love by physical touch is the same love
your wife feels when you do the laundry.”
“Bring on the laundry,” he shouted. “I’ll wash the clothes
every night if it makes her feel that good.”
I
ncidentally, if you have still not discovered your primary
love language, keep records on the tank check game.
When your spouse says, “What could I do to help fill your
tank?” your suggestions will likely cluster around your
primary love language. You may request things from all five
love languages, but you will have more requests centering
on your primary love language.
Perhaps some of you are saying in your minds what
Raymond and Helen said to me in Zion, Illinois. “Dr.
Chapman, all that sounds fine and wonderful, but what if the

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love language of your spouse is something that just doesn’t
come naturally for you?”
I’ll discuss my answer in chapter 10.

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