The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a
greater expression of love.

---

In the nine months that I counseled Brent and Becky,
we worked through numerous conflicts that they had never
resolved before. But the key to the rebirth of their marriage
was discovering each other’s primary love language and
choosing to speak it frequently.
L
et me return to the question I raised in chapter 9. “What if
the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t
come naturally for you?” I am often asked this question at
my marriage seminars, and my answer is, “So?”
My wife’s love language is “Acts of Service.” One of
the things I do for her regularly as an act of love is to
vacuum the floors. Do you think that vacuuming floors
comes naturally for me? My mother used to make me
vacuum. All through junior high and high school, I couldn’t
go play ball on Saturday until I finished vacuuming the entire
house. In those days, I said to myself, “When I get out of
here, one thing I am not going to do: I am not going to
vacuum houses. I’ll get myself a wife to do that.”
But I vacuum our house now, and I vacuum it regularly.
And there is only one reason I vacuum our house. 
Love.
You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum a house, but I do it
for love. You see, when an action doesn’t come naturally to
you, it is a greater expression of love. My wife knows that
when I vacuum the house, it’s nothing but 100 percent pure,

---

unadulterated love, and I get credit for the whole thing!
Someone says, “But, Dr. Chapman, that’s different. I
know that my spouse’s love language is physical touch, and
I am not a toucher. I never saw my mother and father hug
each other. They never hugged me, Dr. Chapman. I am just
not a toucher. What am I going to do?”
Do you have two hands? Can you put them together?
Now, imagine that you have your spouse in the middle and
pull him/her toward you. I’ll bet that if you hug your spouse
three thousand times, it will begin to feel more comfortable.
But ultimately, comfort is not the issue. We are talking
about love, and love is something you do for someone else,
not something you do for yourself. Most of us do many
things each day that do not come “naturally” for us. For
some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning. We go
against our feelings and get out of bed. Why? Because we
believe there is something worthwhile to do that day. And
normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having
gotten up. Our actions preceded our emotions.
The same is true with love. We discover the primary
love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it
whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to
have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do
it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s
emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love
language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and
chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language.
When he does, our emotions return, and our love tank

---

begins to fill.
L
ove is a choice. And either partner can start the process
today.

---

---

---