The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
particular attribute, you reset others’ expectations of you
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The art of saying no
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- YOURE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS REACTIONS
particular attribute, you reset others’ expectations of you. Your coworkers, friends, and family members will eventually realize that you always decline such requests, and they’ll stop seeking for your participation. This strategy also streamlines the process of saying no. You no longer have to consider each request individually. If it matches your deal-breaking attribute (e.g. the request will require more than 30 minutes of your time), you automatically turn it down. Those who ask for your time, attention, money, or labor, can’t reasonably assume your decision is a personal rejection. After all, you’re rejecting the type of request, not the requestor. Think about the requests you regularly receive, whether at home or at your workplace. If they’re weighing you down and taking up too much of your time, try to categorize the worst offenders. Then, decide to reject the entire category. You may be surprised at how easy it is to say no without feeling guilty using this approach. YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS' REACTIONS O ne of the biggest stumbling blocks for people pleasers to overcome is feeling responsible for others’ feelings. They fear that saying no will disappoint and anger requestors. This fear prompts them to regularly put others’ priorities ahead of their own. This tendency can spring from a number of factors. For example, the individual may desperately want to be liked by other people. He or she may seek validation from others, and saying yes is the easiest path to that end. Or the people pleaser may possess a low self-image, and believe others’ happiness is more important than his or her own. So he or she says yes, even when saying no is clearly a better option. If you want to learn to say no with confidence and without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries. You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions. As long as you turn down a request with grace and respect, you shouldn’t feel accountable if the requestor reacts poorly. You’re not the cause of that individual’s distress and ire, even if he or she attempts to convince you otherwise. These emotions are borne of circumstances that are outside your control. For example, the requestor may be having a terrible day, and your refusal to help is the linchpin that sets him or her off. Or the requestor may be experiencing extreme stress due to poor planning on his or her part. Or the requestor might have had an argument with his or her significant other, and the emotions stemming from that interaction end up spilling over to this one. Ultimately, you’re not in control of other people’s emotions, and thus cannot be culpable for their reactions. It goes without saying that intentionally hurting someone is a different matter altogether. If you’re rude or disrespectful, expect a negative, and perhaps even a hostile, response. Incivility breeds incivility. But if you remain courteous, candid, and sincere when turning down requests, and the requestor responds in a hostile manner, let it go. The negative feelings prompting the belligerence come from a place inside him or her over which you have no jurisdiction. |
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