The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
Friend: “Hey, can you take me to the airport this afternoon?” You
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The art of saying no
Friend: “Hey, can you take me to the airport this
afternoon?” You: “No, I don’t have time today.” Friend (upset): “Are you serious? I’d help you if you asked me.” You: “And I’d be happy to help if I had the time. But today’s not good for me.” Friend (angry): “That’s really rude! Don’t come to me the next time you need help!” Failing to meet your friend’s expectations can erode the friendship. It can impair the trust and intimacy you share with him or her, and make future conversations tense and even combative. So, how can you turn down friends without causing offense? How can you say no to them without causing irrevocable harm to your friendships? First, realize that you owe it to yourself to make time for your own responsibilities and interests. No one will respect your time more than you. So you must remain vigilant, reminding yourself that saying yes to one thing requires saying no to something else. Being a good friend doesn’t obligate you to put your friends’ priorities ahead of your own. Second, don’t wait until you’re frustrated with your friend to say no. Don’t consent to request after request, becoming increasingly bitter and resentful that you’re being taken for granted, and then proclaim “NO!” in a rage. Third, remind yourself that your friend’s dismay and anger upon hearing you say no isn’t your problem. As long as you turn him or her down graciously, sincerely, and with respect, you’ve done your part. Fourth, start setting boundaries. If you have a friend who typically reacts poorly when you say no, take him or her aside and discuss the matter. Inform him or her of your feelings, limits, and personal convictions. Be honest with him or her. Explain how catering to others’ needs before your own, particularly given your workload and personal responsibilities, is exhausting and upsetting to you. A true friend will understand your misgivings and respect your boundaries. Encourage your friends to come to you in the future when they need help. After all, helping friends strengthens the trust and rapport you share with them. It’s deeply rewarding to help friends in their times of need. But make clear that you won’t always be able to say yes. There will be times that you’ll have to say no. But when you do so, it’s always for good reasons - reasons you expect your friends to acknowledge and respect. |
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