The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted
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The art of saying no
HOW TO SAY NO TO YOUR
SPOUSE I f you always say yes to your spouse or partner, saying no can seem a bit like tiptoeing through a minefield. Turning down a request can lead to conflict, which, if you and your partner allow it, can quickly spiral out of control. As adults in loving relationships, we learn through experience that saying yes is, in many ways, an expression of our love, trust, and acceptance of the requestor. But does that mean we should always say yes? Since you’ve made it this far in The Art Of Saying NO, you probably know my answer. Saying no to our partners is not only sometimes necessary, but can add value to our relationships. Let me explain. One of the preconditions to a healthy relationship, whether it’s one we share with our friends, coworkers, or relatives, is the existence of well-defined boundaries. A lot of folks think of personal boundaries as a way to keep others at bay. That’s reasonable. But boundaries have greater value in the context of your relationship with our spouses or partners. Boundaries help us to better understand our loved ones. They encourage us to see our spouses and partners as unique individuals with unique feelings, passions, and interests. They make it easier to identify our loved ones’ needs. To that end, they discourage us from using guilt or manipulation to get what we desire. This notion of personal boundaries works in both directions. When you set boundaries with your significant other, you convey your individuality, dislikes, opinions, and personal convictions. Maintaining these boundaries - that is, acting in accordance with your convictions - inspires respect. Respect lessens the urge to use emotional bullying or manipulation. When you say no, your spouse or partner won’t consider your response arbitrary. He or she will be inclined to assume your decision is well-reasoned, and accept it at face value. Given the above, the first step toward learning to say no to your spouse is to identify your dislikes, opinions, and convictions. Then, establish boundaries that reflect them. For example, suppose you dislike working on cars. Set a boundary that highlights this aversion. Now let’s say your spouse ask you to take a look at her car because it’s making a strange sound. You can respond: As you know, I hate working on cars. But I’ll be happy to take it to the shop for you.” Or suppose you dislike loud, raucous concerts. It hurts your ears and you’re concerned about your safety. Let’s say your spouse asks you to accompany him to a heavy metal concert. You can respond: Thanks for asking me. But I’d rather not go. I don’t enjoy those types of concerts.” Saying no to your spouse or partner in situations where you harbor strong opinions is empowering. Moreover, when you act according to your convictions, you strengthen the mutual bond of respect that connects the two of you. |
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