The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block 2-Book Bundle pdfdrive com

“Mom, I feel so stupid! I left some very important letters
at a restaurant! My boss is going to kill me!”
“Oh, no!”
“My boss is so rude, I know he’ll scream at me again.”
“No wonder you’re so upset.”
“Yes, I’d been working on that report for two weeks!”
“Nooo! All that effort!”
“Thanks, Mom, for giving me a shoulder to cry on. I’ll
get through this somehow.”
“You know I’m always here for you. Hey, listen to what
happened yesterday, this will make you laugh….”
When we’re upset the first thing we want from our friends is for them
to hear us—lovingly and attentively. Like a waitress repeating our order
(“So that’s a burger and fries?”), a friend’s close attention makes us feel
understood and respected. Then we are usually much more open to
offers of advice, reassurance, or distraction.
Door Openers: A Quick Way to Show You
Care
A quick way to show an upset person that you care is by using a

---

door opener.
Door openers are little gestures or comments you make in
response to a person telling you his problems. They encourage the
person to share his true feelings with you.
Here are a few of the little things you can do and say to
encourage your friend to open his heart:
• Raise your eyebrows in surprise.
• Nod your head repeatedly as he talks.
• Say any of the following as you listen:
“Uh-huh.”
“Sure.”
“Wow!”
“I see.”
“Oh, no.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Then what happened?”
“Tell me more….”
The FFR Part 1 … on TV and in Real Life
The next time you’re watching TV, pick out one of the characters
and watch her really carefully. Notice the normal turn-taking that
goes on in the dialogue. Now notice, when the character gets upset,
how the other characters respond to her. Do they: ignore? criticize?
distract? immediately reassure? Or do they first respectfully
acknowledge her feelings (the FFR)?
Notice, too, that good listeners never ask a person who is crying
and obviously upset, “Are you sad?” They just caringly describe
what they observe: “I can see how upset you are!”
Okay, now on another day, watch some kids in a park. Notice

---

when they get upset how their parents respond. Do they: ignore?
criticize? distract? immediately reassure? Or do they first
respectfully acknowledge the feelings (the FFR)?
This exercise will really make you more aware of the power of the
right (or wrong) reaction. Pretty soon you will become your friend’s
favorite person to talk to!
FFR Part 2: What You Say Is Not as Important as the
Way You Say It—Finding the “Sweet Spot”
Most people think that what we say is the key to good communication.
Of course, words are very important, but when you’re talking to
someone who is upset (mad, sad, scared, etc.), what you say is much less
important than the way you say it.
Big emotions trip up our brains! They make our logical left brain (the
side that understands words) stumble and stall while allowing our
impulsive right brain (the side that focuses on gestures and tone of voice)
to hijack the controls.
So when we’re upset, we need someone to respond in a way that will
get through to our right brain. That’s why if you pour your heart out to a
friend and she just parrots back your words with a blank face and a flat
voice, you’ll end up feeling even worse. Even if your listener’s words are
totally accurate, if they’re spoken in an emotionless way, you’ll end up
feeling like she just doesn’t “get it,” and that will make you feel even
worse.
Now that you know how to echo an upset person’s words (FFR Part 1),
you’re ready to learn how to put some emotion into your words so your
friend feels understood and cared about. Mirroring the right amount of
emotion is superimportant. Use too little and your friend will feel you
don’t really get it. Use too much and she’ll think you’re being hysterical
or making fun of her. I call mirroring just the right amount of emotion
“hitting the sweet spot.”
To hit your upset friend’s sweet spot you should try to reflect about

---

one-third of her emotional intensity in your tone of voice, face, and
gestures. Then, as she calms, you can gradually return to a more normal
way of talking.
Here’s an example to help illustrate the importance of hitting the
sweet spot.
Imagine you just got fired and you go to see a friend so that you can
pour your heart out. Which of these scenarios would make you feel the
most cared about and comforted?
• Your friend, who happens to be a robot, sits perfectly still and
mechanically acknowledges your troubles: “Carol … that-is-ter-
ri-ble.… You-must-feel-so-sad.”
• Your friend, a drama queen, wildly waves her arms, eyes
bugging out in horror, as she blurts, “Oh, no! That’s horrible!
You’ll starve!”
Probably neither! The robot’s emotionless delivery feels cold. The
hysteric reacts with such a flood of emotion that she may make you feel
even more lonely and misunderstood. Most of us prefer our friends to
respond with words and gestures somewhere in the middle range of
intensity.

---

• Looking concerned, your friend sighs and says sincerely, “Oh,
noooo. Oh, Carol … Oh, noooo.” That may not be terribly
eloquent, but it’s deeply comforting because your friend’s tone
and expression let you know that she is sympathetic and
respectful of your pain. She has connected with your sweet spot.
With a little practice, you’ll find that hitting the sweet spot will become
as easy and automatic as returning a smile.