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Isn’t It Teasing a Child to Almost Give
Something … Then Take It Away?
There is a huge difference between patience-stretching and teasing.
Teasing is when you taunt a child by offering the thing he wants
with no intention of giving it. “You want this, but you can’t have
it!”
But, with patience-stretching you will give your child what he
wants, you’re just delaying it a bit. Toddlers find this totally
reasonable.
Think of it from the adult point of view:
Imagine you’re approved for a $1,000,000 loan and just as the
banker starts to hand you the check, he gets a phone call. So he
pulls back the check and says, “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”
Are you angry? Probably not. You don’t yell, “Where’s my
money!” because the banker might change his mind. And besides,
you have every reason to believe that you’ll get the check in a

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minute. So what do you do? You sit patiently, hands in your lap,
and wait. And when you get it, you feel very appreciative and offer a
heartfelt “Thank you.”
Dr. Harvey in Action: How I Teach Patience in Less Than
Five Minutes
At checkups, I love demonstrating how easy it is to teach patience-
stretching. First I warm up the child by playing the boob (for example,
by repeatedly letting him “slap me five” and yelping in pretend pain).
Once he’s having fun, I say, “Give me five again,” and I put out my
hand, but right before he whacks me, I remove the hand and hold up
one finger, saying, “Wait! Wait!” Next, I turn away and make him wait
for a few seconds as I pretend to look at something, Then I turn back, I
praise them (“Good waiting!”), and perhaps I reinforce the praise by
gossiping to his mom (“Bobby’s a good waiter!”). Finally, I let the child
“give me five” again and repay his patience by hopping around yelping,
“Ouch! Ouch!”
Usually in just a few minutes, I can teach even a one-year-old to
patiently wait for ten seconds.
Teaching Patience: Magic Breathing
What It Is:
Have you ever been so upset that someone told you to
“take a deep breath”? When we are stressed, frightened, or in pain, we
automatically tighten up and hold our breath. Over time, that can lead
to headaches, anxiety, even high blood pressure.

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Learning how to stay calm is a very important life skill. Unfortunately,
many people in our culture never learn it (or can only calm by eating,
sleeping, watching TV, or using drugs and alcohol). Yet all adults—and
children—have a powerful natural stress-reducer: simple breathing!
Just a few sloooow breaths (magic breathing) can quickly bring a
sense of peace. Magic breathing helps impulsive toddlers learn to turn
their motor off. With a little practice, your little friend can learn how to
use this superb self-soothing skill anytime he’s frustrated, scared, hurt, or
mad. It is a self-control tool your child can use forever.