The Little Book of Yes: How to Win Friends, Boost Your Confidence and Persuade Others

5
PAUSING
Emotion affects all our interactions so take a moment to check
in with yourself before attempting to influence others
If you are a fan of the TV series Sex and the City you may remember an
episode in which Carrie Bradshaw is walking down a New York City street
with her close friend Samantha who is nursing an injured foot, causing her
to limp along. ‘Ow!’ Samantha cries out at one point, causing her
sympathetic friend to reply, ‘Honey, if it hurts so much, why are we going
shopping?’
‘I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit,’ comes the retort.
Many will sympathise. Lots of people use shopping as a way to seek
solace and alleviate sorrow. But this isn’t necessarily wise. We will all
recognise times when our emotional state has influenced our behaviour and
choices detrimentally, perhaps even to the extent that we have ended up
making decisions that at the time seemed right, but have ended up costing
much more in the long run.
When it comes to persuasion, it is important to recognise the important
role that emotions play. There is a lot of research that looks at the role of
emotions in decision making, particularly when it comes to purchasing and
negotiating. For example, the experience of sadness can have a major
impact on how much people are prepared to pay for things: sad buyers are
often willing to pay a higher price for items than neutral buyers, and sad
sellers are often willing to part with items for a lower price than neutral
sellers. In one study, people were asked to watch one of two films: one an
emotionally charged movie that induced a feeling of sadness in viewers and
the other a neutrally emotive film about … fish.
Afterwards, they were divided into two groups. One group was asked to
give a price at which they would be willing to buy a range of different

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products. The other group was asked to set a price at which they would sell
them. Sad buyers were willing to spend around 30 per cent more than
emotionally neutral buyers. And sad sellers were willing to part with about
a third less than were their emotionally neutral partners. It would seem that
these decisions were occurring completely outside anyone’s awareness. No
one had any idea they had been so deeply affected by these residual feelings
of sadness.
Of course, sadness isn’t the only emotion that can affect your ability to
make your case, or persuade others. All emotions can. Think about a time
when you have been excited about an opportunity. Under such
circumstances there is a tendency to focus too much on the upsides and fail
to spot the risks that could be faced. On the other hand, if you’re feeling
anxious you might focus too much on what could go wrong and end up
passing up a really good offer. Where all other things are equal, it is the
emotionally neutral decision makers who tend to make the better decisions.
So it is really important to identify the emotional state you are in before
making important decisions, starting a crucial negotiation or even
responding to an unfriendly email. From negotiating the terms of your
contract with the phone company, to buying a new home or having a job
interview, your emotions will be involved. If you are experiencing
heightened emotions, and even though you might believe that your
decision-making ability will be unaffected, you should consider holding off
interacting with others. It can be hard to do, but a short pause to compose
yourself can help. As emotions subside, your ability to think clearly, and
make your points persuasively, will increase.
At work, if you are the sort of person who schedules meetings back to
back, without giving yourself time in between them, then you may be doing
yourself a disservice. The advice is to schedule a short break in between.
That way you’ll reduce the likelihood that any feelings generated by one
meeting will spill over into the next. This could be especially important if
the next meeting involves making significant decisions or a crucial
negotiation.
The same is true with friends and family. Entering into a discussion in a
frustrated, anxious, angry or otherwise unhelpful emotional state can
quickly turn a seemingly simple exchange of opinions into an argument
where persuasion and influence becomes impossible.

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Be aware too, when seeking to influence others’ decisions, of the role
that their mood plays. Attempting to persuade someone who has just
received unsettling news, or, worse still, reminding someone of a topic that
you know will put them in a gloomy mood, is both unwise and at times
even morally wrong. If you use their negative emotions to prompt people
into making decisions, it will often lead to regret and resentment, and do
little to build long-term relationships. In fact, by offering to postpone
negotiating with someone who has just had a negative experience, you’ll
actually strengthen your relationship. You’ll seem nobler, more caring and
wise.
All priceless characteristics of anyone who wishes to hear the word ‘Yes’
a little more.