13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

REPEAT OFFENDER
Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the first time around, the
truth is, everyone repeats mistakes sometimes. That’s just part of being human.
Mistakes can be behavioral—like showing up late for work—or they can be
cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t like you or
never planning ahead. Although someone may say “Next time I won’t jump to

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conclusions,” they may repeat those same thinking errors if they’re not careful.
Do any of the points below sound familiar?
You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re trying to reach a
goal.
When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time looking for
new ways to overcome it.
You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep falling back on
your old ways.
You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to reach your
goals are unsuccessful.
You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of your bad
habits.
You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only to find
yourself doing the same thing all over again.
Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do
things.
You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline.
Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to
feel uncomfortable or upset.
Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just don’t learn the
first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy
mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals.
WHY WE MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES

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Despite her frustration, Kristy had never truly thought about why she yelled or
what alternatives could be more effective. Initially, she was hesitant to follow
through with a new discipline plan because she worried that removing privileges
would only anger her children further and lead to more disrespectful behavior.
She had to gain confidence in her parenting abilities before she could stop
repeating the same mistakes.
If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on earth would the
person keep doing it over and over? The truth is, our behavior is complicated.
For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if a child was
allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, she would be in danger of accidently
memorizing the wrong answer. For example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6,
she’d always recall 6 as the right answer, even after she was corrected. To
prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without allowing them to make
an educated guess.
Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the Journal of
Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition showed that as
long as study participants were given a chance to learn the correct information,
they could learn from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when
kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers were incorrect, their
retention rates for the correct answers improved once their mistakes were
corrected. Kids, just like adults, are able to learn from their mistakes when
they’re given the opportunity.
Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can learn from our
mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were
younger. Growing up, you may have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes
than face the consequences. And school wasn’t the only place we built our
understanding of handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are
commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their missteps. They lie
and attempt to talk their way out of admitting they did anything wrong even
when there’s evidence to the contrary. And when we deny our mistakes, we are
less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from
them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future. We’ve all
heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .” This is an acknowledgment
of behavior but falls short of admitting a mistake, all because of pride.

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Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A person who makes a
poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got so much invested in this now; I might
as well just keep going.” Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk
more because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someone in a job she despises may say,
“I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this company. I don’t want to walk away
now.” But the only thing worse than investing ten years into something
unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day.
Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although there’s a lot to
be said for “dusting yourself off and getting right back up on the horse,” it is
wiser to figure out why you fell off in the first place before you try again.
Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be
getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after
another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same
social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look
for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol
when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems
sober. To avoid those mistakes and do something different would feel
uncomfortable.
And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success
that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel
anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they
resort to their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.
THE PROBLEM WITH REPEATING OUR
MISTAKES
Kristy recognized that yelling at her kids every day wasn’t helpful. She wasn’t
teaching them how to solve problems effectively, and they were learning that
yelling was acceptable behavior. The more she yelled at them, the more they
yelled right back at her. Have you ever watched a dog chase its tail around and
around in a circle? That’s what you feel like when you repeat your mistakes.
You’ll tire out, yet you won’t get anywhere.
Julie came to see me for therapy because she was mad at herself. She had lost

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forty pounds last year but then slowly, over the last six months, she gained it all
back. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. She’d been gaining and losing
the same forty pounds for almost a decade. She was extremely frustrated that she
devoted so much time and energy into losing weight only to keep gaining it right
back.
Every time she lost the weight she relaxed a little. She’d allow herself to have
a second helping with dinner or she’d celebrate with ice cream. She’d find an
excuse to skip a few workouts and before she knew it, she was gaining weight
again. She’d quickly grown disgusted with herself and she wondered, “How can
I not be in control of what I do to my own body?” Julie’s story certainly isn’t
unique. In fact, statistically, the vast majority of people who lose weight gain it
back again. Losing weight is hard work. So why would anyone go through the
pain of losing it just to gain it all back? Often, it’s because people begin
repeating the same mistakes that caused them to become overweight in the first
place.
Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as the following:
• You won’t reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth
time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep
repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll
stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move forward.
• The problem won’t get solved. It’s a vicious cycle. When you repeat a
mistake, the problem perpetuates and you’re more likely to just keep doing
the same thing. You’ll never be able to solve a problem until you do
something differently.
• You’ll think differently about yourself. You may begin to view yourself as
incompetent or a complete failure because you can’t get past a certain
obstacle.
• You may not try as hard. If the first few attempts weren’t successful, you may
be more likely to give up. When you don’t try as hard, you’re less likely to
succeed.

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• You may frustrate others who watch you repeat the same mistakes. If you’re
guilty of always getting yourself caught up in similar problems, your friends
and family may grow tired of hearing you complain. Worse yet, if they’ve
had to bail you out because you’ve repeatedly gotten yourself into
problematic situations, your repeated mistakes will damage your
relationships.
• You may develop irrational beliefs to excuse your mistakes. Instead of
looking at how your behavior is interfering with your progress, you may
conclude it’s just not “meant to be.” An overweight person who struggles to
lose weight and keep it off may simply decide, “I’m big-boned. I wasn’t
meant to be smaller.”
AVOID MAKING THE SAME BLUNDERS
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
To break the yelling cycle Kristy found herself stuck in, she first had to examine
her discipline style and then come up with alternative consequences. She knew
that in the beginning, her kids would likely test the new restrictions she imposed,
so it wasn’t until she developed a solid plan to deal with her emotions that she
could effectively manage their misbehavior without losing her cool.