part-time job, taught Sunday school, and was the Girl Scout troop leader. She
strived to be a good wife and mother, but she felt like she just wasn’t doing a
good enough job. She was often irritable and grumpy toward her family and she
wasn’t sure why.
The more Megan talked, the clearer it became that she was a woman who
couldn’t say no. Church members frequently called her on Saturday nights,
asking her to bake muffins for Sunday morning’s church service. Parents of her
Girl Scout troop sometimes relied on her to drive their children home if they
were stuck at work.
Megan also frequently babysat for her sister’s kids, so her sister wouldn’t have
to spend money on a sitter. She also had a cousin who sought favors and always
seemed to have some sort of last-minute problem, ranging from being short on
cash to needing help with a home improvement project. Lately, Megan had
stopped answering her cousin’s phone calls because she knew that every time
she called she needed something.
Megan said to me that her number one rule was to never say no to family. So
each time her cousin asked for a favor or her sister asked her to babysit, she
automatically said yes. When I asked her what impact that had on her husband
and children, she told me that sometimes it meant she wasn’t home in time for
dinner or to put the kids to bed. Just admitting that out loud helped Megan begin
to realize why saying yes to extended family meant she was saying no to her
immediate family. Although she valued her extended family, her husband and her
children were her top priorities, and she decided she needed to start treating
them accordingly.
We also reviewed her desire to be liked by everyone. Her biggest fear was that
other people would think she was selfish. However, after a few therapy sessions
she began to recognize that her need to always be liked was actually much more
selfish than saying no to someone. Helping others really wasn’t about improving
their lives; she was mostly giving of herself because she wanted to be held in
higher regard. Once she changed the way she thought about people pleasing, she
was able to begin changing her behavior.
It took some practice for Megan to begin saying no to people. In fact, she
wasn’t even sure how to say no. She thought she needed an excuse but she didn’t
want to lie. But I encouraged her to simply say something like “No, I’m not able
to do that,” without providing a lengthy reason why. She began practicing
saying no and she found that the more she did it, the easier it became. Although
she had imagined people would become angry with her, she quickly noticed that
they didn’t really seem to mind. The more time she spent with her family, the less
irritable she felt. Her stress level also decreased and after saying no a few times,
she felt less pressured to please others.
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