A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Parent: My child does just fine unless something 
doesn’t go the way he thought it would. 
Therapist: Precisely. 
Parent: Doesn’t that mean he just wants his way? 
Therapist: We all just want our way. Your child lacks 
some of the skills he needs to shift from the mind-
set he was in to the mind-set you want him to be in. 
Parent: So what should I do? 
Therapist: Teach those skills. 

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Pathways and Triggers 
27 
How do we know a child is having difficulty shifting 
cognitive set? He tells us! Let’s listen in: 
Parent: I’m running a little behind today. Finish your 
breakfast, put your dishes in the sink, and get 
ready for school. 
Child: I’m not through eating yet. 
Parent: Why don’t you grab an apple or something. 
Come on, hurry! I have to drop some things at the 
post office on the way there. 
Child: I can’t do that! 
Parent: You can’t do what? Why do you always do 
this when I’m in a hurry? Just this once, could you 
please do what I say without arguing? 
Child: I don’t know what to do! 
Parent: I just told you what to do! Don’t push me 
today! 
Child: 
(Kaboom) 
Can explosive children be helped to shift cognitive set 
more efficiently? Absolutely. Just not with threats and 
consequences. 
Organization and planning are also critical to the pro-
cess of thinking through one’s options for dealing with 
problems or frustrations. Children with ADHD, for ex-
ample, are notorious for being disorganized (trouble 
bringing the appropriate homework materials home from 

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28 
The Explosive Child 
school, being absentminded, and slow in getting ready 
for school in the morning) and impulsive (calling out 
answers in class, difficulty awaiting their turns, and inter-
rupting and intruding on others). However, disorganiza-
tion and poor planning also explain the difficulty many 
children have in responding effectively to life’s problems 
and frustrations. What’s the main thing your brain must 
do when faced with a frustration? Solve the problem that 
frustrated you in the first place. It turns out that prob-
lem solving requires a great deal of organization and 
planning. First, you need to identify the problem you’re 
trying to solve (it’s very hard to solve a problem if you 
don’t know what the problem is), then consider a range 
of possible solutions to the problem, and then anticipate 
the likely outcomes of those solutions so as to choose a 
course of action. 
Many children are so disorganized in their thinking 
that they’re unable to identify the problem that’s frus-
trating them. Many are so disorganized that they can’t 
think of any more than one solution to a problem. Many 
are so impulsive that, even if they could think of more 
than one solution, they’ve already done the first thing 
that popped into their heads. The bad news? Your first 
solution is often your worst. Good solutions require or-
ganization and impulse control. So there are a lot of kids 
out there who are notorious for putting their “worst foot 
forward.” Many of these disorganized, impulsive kids ev-

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Pathways and Triggers 
29 
idence a pattern called reflexive negativity. This refers to 
the tendency for the child to instantaneously say “No!” 
every time there’s a change in plan or he’s presented with 
a new idea or request. 
Can explosive children be helped to approach prob-
lems in a more organized, less impulsive manner so they 
explode less often? Sure thing. But not with sticker 
charts or time-outs. 
Thinking clearly and solving problems is a lot easier if 
a person has the capacity to separate or detach himself 
from the emotions caused by frustration, an executive 
skill sometimes referred to as separation of affect. While 
emotions can be useful for mobilizing or energizing peo-
ple to solve a problem, thinking is how problems get 
solved. The skill of separation of affect permits people to 
put their emotions “on the shelf” in order to think 
through solutions to problems more objectively, ration-
ally, and logically. Kids who are pretty good at separating 
thought from emotion tend to respond to problems or 
frustrations with more thought than emotion, and that’s 
good. But children whose skills in this domain are lacking 
tend to respond to problems or frustrations with less 
thought and more emotion, and that’s not so good. They 
may actually feel themselves “heating up” but often 
aren’t able to stem the emotional tide until later, when 
the emotions have subsided and rational thought has 
kicked back in. They may even have the knowledge to 

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30 
The Explosive Child 
deal successfully with problems (under calmer circum-
stances, they can actually demonstrate such knowledge), 
but when they’re frustrated, their powerful emotions 
prevent them from accessing and using the information. 
Such children are not intentionally trying to be noncom-
pliant; rather, they become overwhelmed by the emo-
tions associated with frustration and have difficulty 
applying rational thought until they calm down. You 
know what this is like: