A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

inflexibility + inflexibility = explosion 
But let’s go back and take a closer look at what hap-
pened when Amy’s parents tried to implement behavior 
management procedures. First, the parents tried to give 
directions in a way that made it easier for Amy to comply 
and were encouraged to “catch Amy being good” (with 

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The Truth About Consequences 
79 
verbal praise, hugs, and the like) every time she com-
plied. Then she and her parents identified a variety of 
meaningful rewards that could be earned in exchange for 
compliance, and the parents were helped to design a 
“currency” system—in her case, a point system—as a way 
of keeping track of the percentage of times Amy com-
plied with their requests. The points were to be ex-
changed periodically for the rewards, each of which had 
a price tag. Then the parents began implementing the 
time-out procedure when Amy did not comply. So Amy 
was receiving a specified number of points every time 
she complied with a parental request and was confined 
to time-out and lost points when she did not comply. 
Amy was now, most assuredly, very motivated to comply 
(assuming, of course, that she wasn’t motivated in the 
first place). 
The following scenario ensued. The parents would 
give directions. Amy, whose skills at shifting cognitive set 
were not outstanding and who didn’t have the linguistic 
skills to let people know that, wouldn’t comply. The par-
ents would repeat their directive. Amy, still at a loss for 
words, would become frustrated, for she wasn’t enthusi-
astic about losing points or ending up in time-out. The 
parents would remind her of the consequences for not 
obeying and of the necessity for immediate compliance. 
Rather than helping Amy immediately access the file in 
her brain that contained the critical information (“If you 

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80 
The Explosive Child 
do what they’re asking, you’ll earn points; if you don’t, 
you’ll get a time-out”), her parents’ warning would actu-
ally cause Amy to become more frustrated and agitated, 
her thinking increasingly disorganized and irrational, and 
her control over her words and actions greatly reduced. 
Amy’s parents would interpret her increased intensity 
and failure to respond to their commands as an attempt 
to force them to “back down” or “give in” and would warn 
her of an impending time-out. Amy, now bereft of any 
semblance of rationality, would begin screaming and 
lashing out. Her parents would take Amy by the arm to 
escort her to time-out, an action that would further in-
tensify her frustration and irrationality. Amy would resist 
being placed in time-out. Her parents would try to re-
strain her physically in time-out (many books no longer 
recommend this practice, but the book Amy’s parents 
were using wasn’t one of them) or confine her to her 
room until she calmed down. The struggle to keep Amy 
in time-out or confine her to her room would further in-
tensify her explosion. She would try to hit, kick, bite, 
scratch, and spit on her parents. Once locked in her 
room—when her parents were actually able to get her 
there and keep her there—she would try to destroy any-
thing she could get her hands on, including some of her 
favorite toys. 
Eventually, meaning somewhere in the range of ten 
minutes to two hours, Amy would become completely 

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The Truth About Consequences 
81 
exhausted and start to cry or fall asleep. Rationality 
would be restored. Her exhausted parents would be frus-
trated and angry and would hope that what they just did 
to their daughter—and endured themselves—was even-
tually going to pay off in the form of improved compli-
ance. When Amy would finally emerge from her room, 
she would be remorseful. The parents would, in a firm 
tone, re-issue the direction that started the whole episode 
in the first place. 
What’s the matter with this picture? Was Amy’s non-
compliance truly planned, purposeful, and intentional? 
Are the terms oppositional, noncompliant, defiant, ma-
nipulative, coercive, attention seeking, unmotivated, and 
so forth, really the best ways to describe Amy? Are her 
parents truly lousy disciplinarians? Is a reward and pun-
ishment program really the best way to teach Amy how 
to be more flexible and to deal more adaptively with 
frustration? 
No. No. No. No. And no again. 
If a child has a reading disability, what’s the appropri-
ate intervention? Figure out why and teach the skills he 
lacks. If a child is delayed in the development of mathe-
matics skills, what’s the appropriate intervention? Figure 
out why and teach the skills he lacks. And if your child is 
challenged in the domains of flexibility and frustration 
tolerance, what should you do? Figure out why and teach 
the skills he lacks. 

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82 
The Explosive Child 
Unfortunately, we live in a society in which many 
adults, when faced with a child who isn’t meeting expec-
tations, can think of only one word: Consequences. That’s 
a shame, because there are only two ways in which con-
sequences are actually useful: (1) to teach basic lessons 
about right from wrong (such as don’t hit, don’t swear, 
don’t explode); and (2) to motivate people to behave appro-
priately. But it’s a very safe bet that your child already 
knows you don’t want him to hit, swear, or explode, so it 
wouldn’t make a great deal of sense to spend a lot of 
time using consequences to teach him something he al-
ready knows. And—this may be a little harder to believe— 
it’s also a safe bet that your child is already motivated not 
to make himself and those around him miserable, so it 
wouldn’t make a great deal of sense to spend a lot of 
time using consequences to give him the incentive to do 
well. Children do well if they can. If your child could do 
well, he would. He needs something else from you. 
Thankfully, there’s a whole universe of options available 
to help your child besides consequences. Your journey 
into a new universe begins in the next chapter.