A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

ing agenda on the back burner, at least temporarily. Your
child has proven beyond a doubt that he can’t handle all 
the frustrations presently on his radar screen. If you clear 
the screen of some unnecessary frustrations and (per-
haps unrealistic) goals, his global level of frustration 
should decrease and he should be able to more success-
fully work with you to deal with the frustrations and 
goals that remain. If your child is exploding less often, 
the general level of tension and hostility in your family 
should diminish as well. While many parents and teach-
ers can appreciate the wisdom of reducing the overall 
demands for flexibility and frustration tolerance being 
placed on a child, they often need help understanding 
how to do it. They also want reassurance that the child 
will not come to view them as pushovers. Here’s your re-
assurance: There is absolutely nothing about Collaborative 

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88 
The Explosive Child 
Problem Solving that will have you feeling like a pushover. 
Third, if you haven’t already, you may have to come to 
grips with the fact that your child is a little different. Yours
is not a “business as usual” child. So if you were hoping 
for the standard, easygoing child, it’s not in the cards. 
Luckily, the definition of good parenting (and good 
teaching) is “being responsive to the hand you’ve been 
dealt.” Chapter 3 provided you with a better sense of the 
hand you’ve been dealt. The rest of this book is about 
how to be more responsive to that hand. 
Fourth—and this was mentioned in passing earlier 
but is about to become very important—explosions are 
actually highly predictable. Not all explosions are pre-
dictable, but most are. And if they’re predictable, you 
can solve the problems that cause them proactively—in 
advance. In each child and family, there are usually 
somewhere between five and ten triggers that contribute 
to explosions on a weekly basis. In Chapter 3 these were 
referred to as problems that have yet to be solved. Once 
these problems are durably solved, they won’t cause ex-
plosions anymore. 
So here’s your first homework assignment: For the 
next week, keep a record of the problems that caused your 
child to become frustrated. This is your list of problems to 
be solved; it may include things like waking up and get-
ting out of bed in the morning, getting ready for school, 
sensory hypersensitivities, doing homework, getting ready 

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Plan B 
89 
for bed at night, boredom, shifting from one activity to 
another, sibling interactions, being hungry just before 
dinner, food choices or quantities, clothing choices, being 
surprised by a sudden change in plans, taking medicine. 
But those are just some of the possibilities. Get your list 
ready. We’ve got problems to solve! 
THREE OPTIONS 
There are basically three ways to handle a problem or un-
met expectation with a child. We used to call these op-
tions the three “baskets.” (This term came from the early 
days of the CPS approach, when we felt that people might 
benefit from the visual metaphor of having three baskets 
in front of them and depositing different problems or un-
met expectations into the baskets depending on how each 
was to be handled.) Now we call them Plans, as in Plan A, 
Plan B, and Plan C. It’s important to emphasize that the 
Plans come into play only when there is a problem or un-
met expectation. If your child is meeting an expectation, 
then you don’t need a Plan. For example, if your child is 
completing his homework to your satisfaction and with-
out exploding, you don’t need a Plan because your expec-
tation is being met. If your child is brushing his teeth to 
your satisfaction and without exploding, you don’t need a 
Plan because the expectation is being met. But if your 

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90 
The Explosive Child 
child is not meeting your homework completion or teeth 
brushing expectations or if these expectations heighten 
the likelihood of explosions, you need a Plan. 
Many people think the terminology “Plan A” refers to 
the preferred plan. Not in this book. In this book Plan A 
refers to handling a problem or unmet expectation 
through the imposition of adult will. Plan C involves drop-
ping the expectation completely, at least for now. And Plan B 
involves doing the name of the approach—Collaborative 
Problem Solving—and engaging the child in a discussion 
in which the problem or unmet expectation is resolved in a 
mutually satisfactory manner. If you intend to follow the 
advice in this book, the Plans are your future. One of 
them in particular. Let’s take a closer look. 
PLAN A 
If your child isn’t meeting a given expectation and you 
respond by imposing your will—i.e., by saying things like 
“No,” “You must,” or “You can’t”—you’re using Plan A. So 
if your child says, “I’m too tired to do my homework to-
night,” a potential Plan A response would be, “But you 
must.” If your child says, “I want to take a break from 
brushing my teeth tonight,” a potential Plan A response 
would be, “No.” Of course, “I’m not interested in dis-
cussing it,” “I didn’t say you had a choice,” “Get your butt 

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Plan B 
91 
in gear,” and the threat or imposition of consequences 
are Plan A responses as well. 
Now, these might sound like perfectly ordinary, rea-
sonable responses, but only if you have a perfectly ordi-
nary, reasonable child. You don’t. In the case of explosive 
kids, Plan A—imposing your will—greatly heightens the 
likelihood of an explosion. Why? Because you’re throwing 
Plan A at a kid who doesn’t have a Plan A brain. Let’s go 
back to the description of an explosive outburst you read 
in Chapter 2: