A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Mother: But he can’t avoid supermarkets forever, 
right? 
Therapist: Right. Luckily, going to the supermarket is 
not critical to Eduardo’s existence right now. 

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Plan B 
95 
Mother: When should I try taking him into 
supermarkets again? 
Therapist: When you’ve resolved some of the more 
important triggers on your list, and when you think 
he can do it. 
Therapist: It’s not always easy for my mother to 
watch him for me. 
Me: I know. But it’s even harder—and a lot more 
detrimental to your relationship with your son—to 
have him exploding every time you take him to 
the supermarket. 
“Business as usual” is a fine idea, but only if you have a 
“business as usual” kid. You don’t. 
What other triggers might warrant a Plan C response, 
at least temporarily? That varies from family to family, and 
depends a lot on the child’s level of instability. But triggers 
that have made it into Plan C for some kids have included 
brushing teeth, food choices, exercising, doing homework, 
using good table manners, getting to school on time, and 
even swearing. Naturally, all of these triggers eventually 
were handled using Plan B once the child had stabilized 
and other more pressing problems had been solved. 
Let’s turn now to the most important option, the one 
upon which the success of the CPS model hinges. 

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96 
The Explosive Child 
PLAN B 
As you’ve read, Plan B involves doing the name of the ap-
proach: Collaborative Problem Solving. What’s the main 
activity of Plan B? Discuss and work out mutually satis-
factory solutions to the problems that have been causing 
your child (and perhaps you, too) to behave maladap-
tively. 
Now, according to many popular parenting books, 
you should never work things out with a child. Accord-
ing to the book you’re reading right now, working things 
out with your child can be an extremely effective way to 
pursue your expectations, while simultaneously reducing 
the likelihood of an explosion, while simultaneously 
helping your child learn skills he clearly lacks. You don’t 
lose any authority when using Plan B. None. 
Your role when using Plan B is that of surrogate 
frontal lobe. That is, you’re going to be doing the think-
ing for your child that he’s currently incapable of doing 
on his own; you’re going to serve as his tour guide 
through frustration. Here’s what a lot of folks think 
when they first contemplate being a surrogate frontal 
lobe: Wait a second, my kid’s going to need a surrogate 
frontal lobe for the rest of his life? Actually, the reason 
you’re being a surrogate frontal lobe now is so that 
your child won’t need a surrogate frontal lobe for the 
rest of his life. Once you’ve taught your child the skills 

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Plan B 
97 
he needs to successfully navigate frustrations and de-
mands for flexibility on his own, you’re fired. Who fired 
you? He did. Why’d he fire you? Because children do 
well if they can. Same as with any other learning dis-
ability. 
This next part is important. There are two ways to do 
Plan B: Emergency Plan B and Proactive Plan B. On first 
hearing about Plan B, many folks come to the erroneous 
conclusion that the best time to use Plan B is just as a 
child is becoming frustrated. That’s Emergency Plan B, 
and it’s actually not the best timing because the child is 
already getting heated up. Few of us do our clearest 
thinking when we’re heated up. As discussed earlier, 
most explosions are highly predictable. Thus, there’s no 
reason to wait until the child gets heated up yet again to 
try to solve the problem that’s been causing explosions 
for a very long time. The goal is to get the problem solved 
proactively—before it comes up again. That’s Proactive 
Plan B. 
For example, if your child always balks at brushing 
his teeth, the best time to have a Plan B discussion with 
him is before he’s faced with the task of teeth brushing 
again rather than in the heat of the moment. If your 
child routinely has difficulty with his homework, the 
time to have a Plan B discussion aimed at solving that 
problem is before he’s struggling with his homework the 
next time. 

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98 
The Explosive Child 
This next part is absolutely crucial. There are three 
steps for doing Plan B: 
1. Empathy (plus Reassurance) 
2. Define the problem 
3. Invitation 
If you do the above three steps in the prescribed or-
der, you’re doing Plan B. If you don’t do the above three 
steps in the prescribed order, you’re not doing Plan B. So 
we’d better take a closer look at these three steps. 
Empathy 
Empathy is the first step of Plan B for a few reasons. First, 
empathy keeps people calm, so it’s a good way to help 
your child stay rational enough to actually converse with 
you. If you don’t keep him calm, then the problem caus-
ing him frustration won’t get solved because the conver-
sation won’t take place. 
Empathy also ensures that your child’s concern is on 
the table. Just like adults, kids have legitimate concerns: 
hunger, fatigue, fears, a desire to buy or do certain things, 
a desire to be less hot or less cold, and so forth. Sadly, 
most kids are accustomed to having their concerns blown 
off the table by adults who have concerns of their own. 

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Plan B 
99 
It’s not exactly clear why you’d want to blow any child’s 
concern off the table, but it should be crystal clear why 
you wouldn’t want to do it with an explosive child. You 
don’t lose any authority by empathizing. But you do keep 
him calm and enter his concern into consideration. 
How do you empathize? Basically, by repeating the 
child’s concern back to him, sticking closely to his exact 
words. Some call this reflective listening. Let’s practice.