A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Child: I want pizza. 
Adult (Initial Empathy): You want pizza. What’s up? 
Child: I’m hungry. 
Adult (Refined Empathy, plus Reassurance): You’re 
hungry. I’m not saying you can’t have pizza. 
One last point, before we move on to the next step. All 
of the dialogues above are actually examples of Emergency 
Plan B. But since explosions are highly predictable, it’s 
likely that the child’s concerns over taking his medicine 

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Plan B 
103 
have come up before, that this isn’t the first time home-
work has been an issue, and that scary movies have been a 
concern for your child previously. Here’s how the empathy 
step would sound if we were attempting Proactive Plan B: 
Adult (Empathy, using Proactive B): I know that your 
medicine has been making you sick to your 
stomach and that you’re not too happy about 
that. 
Adult (Empathy, using Proactive B): We were thinking 
of going to the movies this afternoon and I know 
that sometimes you don’t want to go because 
you’re worried there will be scary parts. 
Adult (Empathy, using Proactive B, with an attempt to 
clarify): I’ve noticed that homework has been a 
struggle lately. But I don’t think I understand why 
that is. What’s up with the homework? 
Child: It’s too hard for me. 
Adult (Refined Empathy, with another attempt to 
clarify): It’s too hard for you. Is there a certain part 
that’s hard for you? 
Child: The writing part. At school they don’t make 
me do as much writing as you do. 
Adult (Refined Empathy): Ah, the writing part is hard 
for you and I make you do more writing than they 
do at school. 

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104 
The Explosive Child 
Define the Problem 
It is in the second step of Plan B that the adult places his 
or her concern on the table. We call this the Define the 
Problem step because we define a problem simply as two 
concerns that have yet to be reconciled: your child’s and 
yours. Plan B is the only approach to problems or unmet 
expectations where there are two concerns on the table. 
If the only concern on the table is the Adult’s concern, 
you’re using Plan A. If the only concern on the table is 
the Child’s, you’re using Plan C. If both concerns are on 
the table, you’re using Plan B. 
Now, adults are just as prone to putting solutions (in-
stead of concerns) on the table as children are. Plan B is 
dead in the water if there are two solutions on the table. 
Indeed, an adult putting a solution on the table usually 
signals that the discussion has shifted from Plan B to Plan 
A. Examples: “You have to go to the movies because I 
can’t send your brother to the theater alone;” “You don’t 
want to do your homework? Just do it and get it over 
with!” and “If you don’t take your meds I’m not taking 
you to soccer practice.” 
Why are adults so inclined to put solutions on the 
table instead of concerns? Because they were well 
trained by their predecessors! So this can take a little 
practice. Here are some examples of how it should sound 

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Plan B 
105 
(note that all are continuations of the Proactive Plan B 
discussions above):