Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Recovery Guide (Friel & Friel, 1986). 
If you find that you don't have any time to be alone to do this, then
there's already a very good chance that you have a real problem in
one of these areas. 
Step back from your life and paint a picture in your mind of what it
looks like and feels like. Is it a good life? Does it feel whole?
Fulfilling? Warm? Is it what you thought it would be cracked up to
be? Is it challenging in a good sort of way, or is it something else?
Boring? Too exciting for you to really handle comfortably?
Stifling? Scary? Who is in it? Are there enough people in it? Too

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many? Are they the kind of people you really want to have in it.
After all, it's your life, not somebody else's. Do you like them? Do
they like you? Remember, you are doing this for you, not for
anyone else. Also, remember that our feelings are in a very real
sense who we are.
2. The second step is to start talking to people about yourself. Get
some feedback from your spouse and/or friends. Find out if the
way you see things is the same as the way others see them. It is not
necessary that we all see things the same, but emotional isolation,
whether we are surrounded by

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people or all alone, is one of the key features of the painful
lifestyle of Adult Children. 
Does your spouse feel that you are a workaholic? If so, what
about your boss? What about your friends? In fact, do you have
anyone other than your spouse that you can talk about "personal
things" with? If not, then you can be almost 100% sure that you
have a problem. Remember that our symptoms and our
dysfunction are borne out of shame and the fear of being
"discovered", and that healthy people do have people in whom
they can confide.
3.The third step in uncovering and admitting is to get information.
At first, this will only be through reading books like the one you
are reading now. And perhaps attending a seminar or workshop in
your area on Adult Children, Co-dependency or Addictions. This is
a safe way to "test the waters" without having to disclose anything
about yourself. You might also want to take our Adult Child/Co-
dependency Inventory, or one of the many brief questionnaires
published in popular magazines or provided by treatment centers,
covering issues such as chemical dependency, eating disorders,
sexual addiction, depression, and the like. If you suspect that you
might have an addiction, go back to Chapter 4 and ask yourself
how many of those characteristics you have. It only takes two or
three of those warning signs to warrant having a professional
evaluation.
4.At the fourth step in this process, you will be making a decision
about your current lifestyle and your past. This decision will not
come all at once. You may go in and out of believing that you are
an Adult Child of a Dysfunctional Family. In fact, we have seen

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many people actually go through a formal treatment program for an
addiction, co-dependency or some other symptom and then return
to their denial months later. The A.A. advice to take it "One Day at
a Time" is sage advice, because recovery is a process and part of
recovery is admitting to yourself each day that you are an Adult
Child.
In summing up this first crucial step in recovery, remember that
uncovering and admitting is itself a process. It is very common for
people to get an initial burst of "recovery" in which their defenses

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come down and they hurt enough to say, "Yes, I am an alcoholic,"
or "Yes, I came from a dysfunctional family." This burst of insight
will often be followed by positive actions such as joining a 12-step
program group, getting into therapy or even going to inpatient
treatment. But recovery must be lived a day at a time; and the pull
of our past and our family systems is strong. If indeed we are
alcoholic, sexually addicted, bulimic or chronically depressed (due
to our family systems), etc., there will be tremendous pressure from
forces within us and outside of us to go back to our old lifestyle.
The glow can wear off. It is pretty easy not to drink while we are in
inpatient treatment for alcoholism. It is part of recovery not to
drink after we leave treatment. It is also part of recovery for many
of us to "test the limits" of the new system.
"I'm not really an alcoholic," we tell ourselves. "I got a great deal
out of treatment. It helped me see how my life and my family is
dysfunctional. But I'm not really an alcoholic. I just drank because
of all the stress." In a few cases we have seen, this is actually true.
In the majority, this is simply our denial taking hold of us again. It
usually happens when we stop "working our program" of recovery.
We stop going to meetings because we get "too busy". Or we stop
"checking in with our feelings'' each day. Or we get into yet another
addictive relationship that is a re-enactment of our original
dysfunctional family system. And within only a few days or weeks,
we are right back into the isolation, despair, addiction, depression,
negative thinking and shame that led us to recovery in the first
place.
We believe that life tells us what we need to know about ourselves
if we will only listen carefully. We also believe that whatever we

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need to make it on this earth is always available to us when we are
open to it. So even if we slip back into denial and lose everything
that is important to us (spouse, family, friends, job, values,
meaning), we can get it all back (in a different form, perhaps) if we
are again willing to admit that we are powerless over the demons in
our lives and are willing to ask for help. Help is always there if we